Answers sought
Posted by S.I.S
3rd Oct 2012

My intention was to write my second blog about suicide, and that desire and feeling of being drawn to it. However, not only are there other blogs currently which have that as there topic but I also have other things on my mind now which are more pressing to share.Suicide is always going to crop up in my mind so I am sure I will approach the subject again.

Why do I often feel the need to know the answer? I'm sure I am not the only person that seeks it, but I recently discovered that I am constantly seeking the answers to questions, often ones with no real relevance at all. I do it without thinking and have only been drawn to the significance of it in the last couple of days. Having grown up with depression and self harm, I have always wanted to know why? Why did things suddenly take a downward turn? Why did I suddenly hurt so much? In over twenty years I have recognised triggers to different moods but have never got the ultimate answer I wanted - why did it all start? There could be several reasons, including a chemical inbalance but that has never sat comfortable with me.Instead I have longed for an answer or reason with the hope that once I have that, then I can deal with my feelings and emotions and put things in the past. No, it wouldn't be a solution but I believe it may give me some comfort. Maybe thats what I long for.However, all it seems to have done is prolong the angony and lead me through a difficult path.

I have suffered years of mental anguish often burying my head in the sand and not actually confronting the problem/issues at hand. I have for some time now sought advice, which has got me through some very bad times, but still hasn't given me what I thought was its purpose - WHY?

When I can be rational I can see that its not as simple as that. The mind is a very complicated structure, that is able to toy with emotions and moods. When I don't know the answer to something, that sits in my mind and what starts as a little niggle increases to a large mass that has to be answered otherwise I won't be able to get on with things. I don't think anythig bad will happen to me, but I find it difficult to be able to get on with anything else or to concentrate without seeking an answer. In the last couple of years this behaviour has become more frequent, although like I said, until a few days ago, I took it to be just as a result of modern advances with internet etc. But no, that was me being naive. I could be watching television for example, and whether it be a fact on a documentary or some celebrity information from soaps/dramas, I have to look it up. Otherwise it would just sit in my head, stirring not allowing me some peace. Mind constantly occupied and no relief until I can resolve it.

Looking at the facts now from an independant perspective or "birds eye view" if you like, I can start to see that my needing to know what happened is a way of coping with my feelings and behaviours.Not that far from the reasons for self harm. Where as from above I can see that nothing bad will happen if I don't know, I feel that without an answer I'm a sorry excuse of a person, which confirms thoughts that I shouldn't be here. I'm not worthy of the air I breathe.By me not knowing things - no matter how insignificant and pathetic - makes me see it as yet another weakness. The looking up has become more intense and obsessive in recent times but I cannot sit with the discomfort of not knowing when it's so easy and accessible to look up.

And finally this type of behaviour is so minor in comparison to other coping strategies of drug taking, drinking or gambling.I didn't even see it as a coping strategy because I thought it was because I just wanted to learn. Instead, I feel a sad pathetic excuse of a person. For those with addictions that I have mentioned, I am not belittling what you go through or actually saying it is actually that similar - for me it was a comparison that identified me as not worthy and I feel guilty for even discussing them in the same context.

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