My life to date
Posted by YIsWorldWeird
24th Sep 2012

I first cut myself when I was 13, it was on my upper arm with a Stanley knife I kept cutting the same spot over and over during the next few weeks never letting it heal it was the first time I felt real. My parents both worked and I learned to look after myself and be independent as I cooked, cleaned, ironed and cut the grass well you get the picture. I was also an only child, if anyone else says you were probably spoiled rotten as an only child I will snap at them, any toys you get at Christmas you can only play with others try playing connect 4 on your own it is boring after 5 mins I turned to computers and consoles who became my friends I found games and scrabble etc I could play against my new electronic friends. As I grew older I made what I thought were good friends and did the usual 18-25 stuff drinking partying but cutting or sand papering parts of myself became the norm I always felt like an actor when with people.

Then came the one I thought I loved but after a few months I yet again found myself having various DIY accidents to explain various injuries cuts, hammer slips, saw slips etc these were still making me alive soon after my two children were born this helped as for once I had people I didn't have to put on a game face for then in 2005 my mum died suddenly with cancer I was numb I didn't cry I was just numb I suddenly realised life was finite and happiness is paramount, my wife was a domineering, prima Donna who never liked my family or any relatives yet her mum and dad seemed to be in my house every 5 minutes. She was stripping me of any confidence and constantly undermining me, my self esteem could be no lower I tried to talk to her but she didn't even stop watching tv.

I eventually made the hardest decision of my life and left the house I still see the kids 3-4 times a week. But this change in circumstances totally destroyed me and my confidence, I had left my children was all I could think off. The harming just got worse and worse to make me feel better it would work short term but t-shirts were now off the clothes I could wear numbness was now normal . Physiatrists give me various sedatives and sleeping tablets but by now I was taking additional over the counter medication by the box load too. I lost my job as I was self harming in work and felt everyone was talking about me.

I then started psychology and retrospectively discovered that my life was a lie the times I thought I had friends they were sham friends the talking did bring up some good point as well and it was good to talk to someone you could trust and you wouldn't be judged but if you have low esteem you feel he has more important people to talk too.

Then last December I set fire to my arm on purpose it left me with 2nd degree burns and a weakened grip in fact I'm still being treated for it, the funny thing is it didn't hurt at all and still never has this defeated the point of doing it to feel something.
I am now at a point were I am so sedated I can't concentrate on anything I still take too many over the counter drugs I go days without eating I have no care for living. I go to bed end the day and wake the next day in a positive but this soon erodes and the black dog is tugging my leg again. I also have no one in the world I trust with my problems as when I talk they seem trivial and I can't trust anybody to keep it to themselves

I hope I didn't bore you, or my grammar wasn't too bad, it was my first blog.


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