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Turning Point.
Posted by jennakinstxs
18th Aug 2012

I had an incredible day today.
This is what I tweeted earlier:
"I just want to hug this day. Sitting peacefully in the park, very content. Feels like the last 3 weeks have been like a turning point... 180 degrees - internally. not sure how exactly but something has shifted. Hopefully permanent. The next dark period will be testing."

I just wrote this on livejournal, which I usually rely on when depressed and about to implode with thoughts chasing each other. I hardly ever write in my journal about something positive. Today I had the need to. Though the tweets and this entry are related, it took hard work to get to this place and it was mainly the last 3 years that brought on gradual changes which lead to this:

"Right, I need to start using my blog again. I have written about nothing recently. I miss it and it also helps me process things and gets my mind working. I am talking tumblr blogging, more than livejournal. But I thought I start here. There is so much going on in my head and I need to filter it out and get it in order, so I can have an overview before chaos reigns and destroys everything.
I kind of want to go to sleep, I am very tired and exhausted, but it is also an automatic avoidance to do what is necessary. I don't really have a plan of how to start this. If I were in a bad way or angry or depressed, I'd just start somewhere and it'll come out eventually by itself.
But what's happening currently is new to me and I haven't really grasped it entirely yet. I am trying to take in big moments and pause myself to acknowledge them (which is part of the newness, the awareness) but I feel it is not enough. I need to write it down. It helps to have stuff sink in properly and it is also a reminder for troubled times ahead. I tend to wallow in my own self pity and read through my journal when I am depressed, so from a future perspective it would be excellent to have something positive to remind me that it will be alright.

Apart from all the "little" positive developments which I will hopefully get to later, there is one BIG and MASSIVE thought in my head recently and I need to write it out as I don't really know who to tell without scaring the shit out of them.
Basically, 2012 marks the first time in about 13 years, that I have an interest in staying alive. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I would actually mind if it were to happen.
I would've never actively done anything prior to ending my own life, but I basically wished I was dead or didn't care if I were to accidentally be killed. Also in the back of my head I was aware that I could reach the point where suicide is an option. The awareness of crossing over from depression to wanting to be dead is still one of the 'freshest' and most disturbing memory from 1999 that just won't fade at all. So I was rightly worried to go into darker territory. But I am happy to report, I have managed to go the opposite direction! Which is new to me as I have no memory of ever looking into the future, let alone rather curiously if not lightly optimistic. It is this newness that makes me worry about the darkness returning, but it is just in the back of my head.
I do not want to die. I want to live. I have plans to do so.

I already feel so relieved about writing it out. I think I will just stop here for today."

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