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Finding the courage
Posted by Donski0705
8th Apr 2012

This is my second blog, but I wanted to write again. I find it easy to write, email, text I am not a talker as I've grown up believing you must keep quiet.

All my life has been a lie, I have hidden dark dirty secrets, so today I don't actually know the real me. I have lots of faces, lots of personalities but not sure which one is real. I have hidden secrets from my family, since I was 7 years old. I was sexually abused, and my mum didn't notice so I blame her, i love her, but why? Why did she leave me, why did she not notice the pain in my face? Why? I believed it was my fault, I believed I was evil, I didnt want to be special. I was now alone, my family didn't notice, I could no longer hug my mum as she would know how evil I had been, she would see I had done something really bad. So I stopped talking I stopped hugging, I stopped caring. I started to self harm, few cuts, few grazes, nothing too major just enough to hurt myself to take away the guilt I felt. I had grown up so quick, I was now hurting I was scared and alone. No one was there for me no one loved me, no one cared. I was so unhappy, I wanted to die. I wrote down ideas of how I could die, I was 7 years old, my daughters age. But I couldn't hurt my family so I thought I would stay alive, but just keep the dark secrets, no one would believe me anyway. He was my grandfather, I loved him, I adored him. He said I was his special little girl, I didn't know what that would mean then I soon found out. I didn't understand but he scared me and hurt me, what did I do? I was desperate to change and be good again, to stop him, but I didn't know how too.

This is just me, this is how my life started.

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