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Recently diagnosed with MD
Posted by
19th Mar 2012

I wanted to talk about my first 'baby steps' which occurred for me right after diagnosis. It's my first post on a forum like this, but not the first time I've read other peoples posts so I felt it was time for me to contribute. I'm not going to go in to too much detail of the low points as I want to stress the positives that came out of my diagnosis.

I've just been diagnosed with Major Depression which I can now see I've had for many years, but only really had the opportunity to stumble upon recently as I'd finally reached a place in my life where everything was incredibly positive. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I don't have any reason for my depression. I'm unable to comprehend the 'logic' of my mental illness and I find that so frustrating. Unlike many others, there was no specific incident or trigger (that I can see).

I also have much guilt associated with my depression as Doctors have been trying to diagnose me with this for years, unto which I have quite simply told them to 'Eff off.' My determination to remain in denial was obviously so strong. In lamen's terms, I didn't want it. I didn't want to be a 'depressed person'. I wasn't happy with their diagnosis so I decided to ignore it. For years. Strangely a few months ago, when I was diagnosed, it was such a relief. It felt like a step in the right direction. I trusted my GP fully. I'd gone in there with a headache and burst in to uncontrollable tears and then realised that I was incredibly unhappy and living a complete lie. Allowing somebody to see me cry; well, it felt strange. I've dealt (and by 'dealt' I mean 'struggled profusely') with depression for years. I have this bizarre attitude to 'never depending on others' or 'telling people too much' so I hid this huge chunk of my life away from people. I was "happy go lucky, always laughing, really chatty" (and probably annoyingly loud and obnoxious!) But it was all a lie. I didn't see/couldn't see a point to any of it. I was amazed at how people could actually wake up in the morning and feel okay about it all. Genuinely amazed by this. In all my life I'd never had a proper nights sleep. Even as a child I always had bad sleeping habits and diet. I hardly ate, and lacked any real focus.

So many things have happened since diagnosis. I've had to make some crazy changes to my life. Like exercise, a healthy diet and giving up the drink. But I've never felt better. I did try meds for a short time but I reacted badly and so decided to go without. The biggest change so far is that I now allow myself to get pissed off with people. And I let them know. But not in a 'hit them over the head with a pan' kinda way. A more gentle verbal way. I think overall I'm a much more focused person and, quite simply, more human.

I don't know when my next dip will be, but I'm doing everything I can to prevent it from being as severe as the previous ones. And I think before you begin on a course of meds, you need to look at any immediate changes that YOU can make to YOUR life. Be selfish! Think about what YOU want for once! Because trying to make everybody happy is impossible, and you're the only one that counts.

I hope my words help somebody. Thanks for reading. Hugs.

- BlueKitten

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