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Tara Talks' blog
Posted by SANE
11th Jan 2021

I have a lot of shame surrounding past traumas. The deep, empty guilt and pain is unfounded. 

The worst is that my feelings are unjustified. 

I ask myself, ‘just because sometimes I am seen now, does that take away from my hurt that for many years and in many situations, I wasn’t?’ That I felt alone and scared in a weird, cookie cutter existence where everybody just seemed satisfied with ‘their lot’ and no one spoke about anything – including me. Despite planting a smile on, I wasn’t satisfied.

I didn’t ‘fit in’ because I hid my vulnerabilities, even internally at times. I feel fake sometimes, even now, and want to be my true, full self. Vulnerabilities are released more often, are hidden in fear, then released at a snail’s pace (because who would care?), but I desperately want my voice. I spent years wanting my people – my tribe.

The thing about a snail is that it’s environment, no doubt, fits in with average speed. The snail slime refuelling centres and whatever - they eat – themed ale pubs, are close together. And they have their very self – contained houses!

I chastise and shame myself for moving slowly in a fast – paced, click – receive, instant – healing world, when recovering slowly and in a non – linear way, is natural. 

Over the years, I have internalised ‘rejection’. Vile, nasty, sticky and gross, who would be interested in ‘just’ me? The shame as my memories are fragmented (again, a natural reaction) is horrendous, and my brain fog leads to thoughts of worthlessness. ‘On paper’ I have ‘nothing to complain about’, you see. How dare I crave childhood love and acceptance as a grown adult?

The way that I have started to deal with some of my negative beliefs and feelings of hurt, is by writing. There is a distance created when I write poetry that allows me to be more ‘dramatic’ about my past (and present) with less shame. Also, I have been able to articulate thoughts that I didn’t always know I had and because poems can have more of an abstract, symbolic feel to them, there’s a reduction in guilt over expressing my hurt. I am wanting to be kind, gentle and respectful, In particular, when past events have led to pain, but I am trying to re – build newer, happier relationships (I am aware that many are in situations where they cannot do this at all and I know that healthy boundaries and self – care are important).

My writing and poetry can be accessed at taratalks.medium.com 

I do cover potentially triggering topics such as anxiety, memory loss, trauma and issues surrounding consent.

 

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