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How to make sense of it all
Posted by thirstycamel
30th Aug 2020

Where to start? How to communicate when there are no words left to me to craft?
I feel many things and nothing. At the same time yet worlds apart. A fracture of the world and an acute desperation. Best described as an intense and overwhelming desire to leave myself behind. To somehow crawl from my head and body. I pace incessantly trying to escape. I have an overwhelming urge to fall to the floor and beat my fists on the unloving ground. I drag my hand along the barbed wire..It feels so good and is the only way I have to say to me; I hate you. So much.
The weight of the knowledge of the colour of existence is too heavy to carry. I snap, and run, to tie the noose, to take the leap, to end it quickly but as painfully as I deserve. As a means of protection thereís always the slicing of flesh, the trickling of blood, the momentary release, yet still it comes back, and like a truck, it hits me square on. I am scared of myself. Want to do it, donít want to do it, want to do it, do I?
Otherwise, a death of sorts; hours of inability to move or to visually process anything at all. Limbs turn to lead, head is a concrete block. Cannot communicate, especially with those I love the most. Push them away. Feel I am a malign influence on others. It may be catching.
Finally, it recedes, replaced by some sort of aura, an overloaded significance of how my arms reach out to pick something up, how my bare feet feel on the ground, delicate and unimportant steps, there, not there, there, not there. Head is on a stalk, swaying.
A new development; everything becomes deliciously and poignantly sad, I am finally able to examine the pointlessness of existence from an academic perspective. Theoretical suicide is control of a sort. Rational activity happens, irrational thoughts continue. The need to extinguish or to injure has passed for now. Left with an intense loneliness and introspection and most of all despising myself with ferocity.
It will pass, it will return. I am alive. I fear.

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