Suicidal thoughts and attempts
Posted by honestchick
18th Jan 2020


What I am about to discuss is a very touchy subject and is very close to my heart, this is from my life experiences and if this is a sensitive subject, please still read, you may just save a life. There is graphic content in this so if you are under the age of 18 please use caution while reading this. Thank you, God bless and stay lovely y'all.

National suicide hot line: 1-800-273-8255

Bullying can happen by anyone to anyone

Parents and teachers are suppose to protect our youth, they are suppose to set boundaries and build a firm steady foundation of love, trust; by displaying affection, beauty, compassion, discipline (healthy), encouragement, friendship, gratitude, humble, joy, kindness, love, respect, stability, trust.

But what happens when they allow bad things to happen? What happens when they don't do the right thing? What if you can no longer trust these people?

Well.... Here is what happened to me,

I remember my mom was always verbally abusive, she also was emotionally and physically abusive as well, now people think spanking is abuse and my opinion is opposite of that but that isn't the "abuse" I suffered.

I remember my mom not doing anything when the SPANKINGS went too far, she would call me the most horrible names, told me that she brought me into this world and she could take me out of it any time she felt like it, she started telling me this about age 9.

She would always smack me in my face and she did it backhanded and she made sure all of her rings were facing outward, so if you seen her turning her rings where all the stones faced outward, you knew she was going to hit someone.

I had suffered black eyes, bloody noses, and busted lips and told me that if I told she would do it again, some mother huh?

Her most famous quote... "fair exchange ain't no robbery"

My teachers didn't believe me much, the kids were horrible, in kindergarten I seen a Pepsi bottle in art class, the kids all pretended to take a drink and offered it to me, it was muddy water.

I was about 9 years old when a teacher hit me for the first time. I didn't want to do the work she had planned for the day, I wasn't feeling well, I wanted to go home because I was sick.

She shoved me into a bookcase, she called me names and yet, no one came to my rescue, she did this to 2 other kids, a little black girl and a mixed boy.

She would only call on us 3 to stand in front of the class to have spelling bees and if we messed up she would say, " these retards can't spell, stay away from them or you will be retarded too " , I even seen her shove a boy so hard his head hit the chalk board and his nose started to bleed.

I fell asleep one time in her class and she stapled my hand to my clothes!!! I woke up screaming, she told me to keep quiet or she will staple my mouth shut next time.

It took 3 more years until my mom and step dad moved us to another school. It wasn't because what was happening to me, but what happened to my sister, the principal placed her hand on one of those old cast iron heaters in the school. Yet no charges were pressed...

As the years went on the bullying got worse, it got so bad I would pretend to be sick, I hid in the bathroom stall at school, I thought about hurting those people and I even thought about hurting myself.

One girl named Dina, once told me she wanted to take me on a TV show to get a makeover because I was so ugly, she would constantly try to give me clothes to make me "pretty", I did take a bag of clothes once and they all had holes etc, she then told others that I am so ugly and poor that the clothes she gave me already had holes cause they knew how ugly I was.
She also made comments that she gave me clothes with holes because that's all I deserve because I just need to go crawl into a hole and die. Believe me, I did want to.

I had enough one day and this was right after they banned trench coats at our school due to the Columbine school shooting, this girl kept on and on, everyone laughing including the English teacher.
I stood up on my desk and said loudly, " YOU know what!? It's people like you that make people like me come to school in trench coats and blow all of your all's brains out.... by the way, I do have a trench coat"

I got into trouble due to it, I didn't get in big trouble because they said it wasn't a threat, but I could have.
I asked them why do I get in trouble but day in and day out they the bullies can do whatever they want with zero consequences? No reply was given.

When I was about 28 years old, I got my very first license, my mom told me on the way to the driving test that I was a failure, that I would always be a failure, I would never amount to anything.
When I passed my test that day I was smiling ear to ear ready to tell her what I thought of her finally, to take that failure stuff and stick it where the sun didn't shine.

The officer told her I passed, and that telling me I wouldn't was not right, my mom told her that she knew all along I would pass and was acting like she didn't say anything negative to me at all, denied it all and called me a liar to my face, needless to say I told her a few things I probably shouldn't of and I walked home that day.

Suicide attempts and actions

I started cutting at age 14 I believe, I would purposely make myself bleed some way, some how to take away my pain, from all the abuse I endured I just wanted the pain to go away.

The ones I can remember fully was after I turned 18, I was actually about 19, this was in 2004, I kept having flashbacks of my childhood, what those kids said to me, what my parents said to me, what everyone of them did to me. Because my older 2 girls were now in the care of my dad (I will write another post on)

I was wanting out, I wrote several suicide notes, at the time my husband and I were not married but engaged, he didn't know what was going on with me, I left those notes, with the hopes he would find it and stop me.

I left one tucked between the slits between the seat and armrest in his chair, I tucked one under his side of the mattress of the bed, I hid one in the towels, I hid one in the freezer and one in his favorite cereal box.

The day of this attempt, I locked myself in the bathroom to "take a bath" I took a hand full of pills I found in our medicine cabinet, I put the plug into the tub and started running the bath water. I tied 2 belts to one another and tied it to the shower rack, and broke open a razor, as tears streamed down my face, I started on my legs, and the emotional pain was still there and I started to feel sick.

I threw up and went back to my plan, I was about to cut my wrists when my husband broke the door down literally and smacked the razor out of my hand and held me begging me not to do it.
After things settled down, he told me that if I didn't get help, he would leave me, so I got help... I was diagnosed with Anxiety, bipolar type 1 disorder, depression, PTSD, OCD

My plan was to take those pills, slit my wrist, tie my ankle to the belt and drown myself... I had it already tested out, it would hold my weight because I lost so much weight due to the depression I weighed 98 pounds.

Attempt 2

My next attempt I remember was back in 2017 this was my last actual suicide attempt, I was dealing with a lot emotionally, physically, constant pain and my daughter Elenor just got out of the hospital for the exact same reason, she tried to hang herself, I walked in on her and if I was just 10 seconds late, she wouldn't be here today.

She was being bullied by students and an adult at the school, we tried to get the school to help her, but they failed her, I felt that I failed her as well.... I kept having nightmares about how to kill myself, nightmares about my childhood, I was so scared to fall asleep, I was so scared to be alone in my own home, but when I fell asleep all I wanted to do was sleep.

I kept having visions while awake, full on visions that seemed so real to me, each time was of me killing myself and my family finding me, each vision was more disturbing than the first, visions of death that even horror movies couldn't make up.
I kept hearing a voice telling me to kill myself, that I was better off dead, that I wasn't worthy of happiness nor love, that it would do everyone a service of me doing this, that this would make them happy.

Nothing I did would drown out that voice, nothing I did would make those visions go away, I prayed every single night for God to take this away from me, to help me be happy again. I kept begging for his help, all the while asking, " why me?".

One day I had the kids take a nap it was in July, they did I told them that I wasn't feeling well and was going to lay down as well so please be quiet and went to my room and locked my door, I opened my closet and tears started to fall down my face, I unlocked my fireproof safe and loaded my gun.

I pointed the gun to my head and said as I cried heavy, " God, if you can hear me, please help me, make this go away, I don't want to die, I truly want to live, please please help me don't let me do this"

All of a sudden I hear running on our hardwood floors, and all 3 kids were literally banging on my bedroom door and pushing my door trying to get into my room, Elenor begging me, " mom, please don't kill yourself please mom, we LOVE you." I started balling my eyes out, she didn't know what my plan was and I knew right then that God had heard my prayers all along, only God could tell her my plans and she didn't know beforehand.

I thanked God and I unloaded my gun, placed the clip where I would have to get a chair to get it back down and locked up my gun.

I let my husband know about 3 am the next morning about what was going on with me but refused to go into full detail and he wanted to take me to the hospital, I said no because I didn't want kids to be out that late, that we we will see our Dr in a few days and I will talk to her then. I didn't want the Dr's to call social services for me having the kids out that late.

2 days later I went with my sister to spread my step fathers ashes, it didn't really hit me that he was gone until that happened, and it was like the cherry or sprinkles were just added on top of the ice cream.
I wrote a poem on what I was feeling and I shared with my sister, and told her to show no one.

Getting help and how I felt

We went to the doctors office the next day after spreading his ashes, as soon as my Dr walked into the room it was like a faucet being turned on, I broke down crying, I cried so hard I got sick more than once,

This was our conversation,

Dr: Rachel, what's wrong?

Me: I'm always sad, I feel defeated. I constantly hear voices telling me to kill myself and if it wasn't for God and my kids, I wouldn't be here today, I keep seeing visions as well.

Dr: when was the last time you were actually happy?

Me: I don't know, I can't remember, I have every reason to be happy, but I'm far from it

Doctor looks at my husband and you could see tears stream down his face and our kids faces, I knew I failed them, someone whom I could tell everything to, I hid everything from, I hid my feelings my sorrow and I should of just let him in. I knew my kids looked up to me and I love them dearly.

Doctor shifts her attention back to me,

Dr: Rachel, can you please explain how it feels in your own words?

Me: I feel like I'm drowning, I feel like I'm trapped on the inside and someone else is in control and I'm screaming on the top of my lungs HELP ME, yet no one hears me. I feel like I'm in a deep hole, I fell into, I'm climbing my way out and when I reach the top someone kicks me back down it, the hole gets deeper and they throw dirt on top of me.

Dr: are you willing to go get help

Me: yes, I want help, please help me

Dr.: Rachel, do you feel like if I let you go home today that you will hurt yourself?

Me: If you make me go home and don't help me, you would have signed my death certificate.

Dr. Looks at my husband and tells him to make sure I'm admitted, to not let me leave and told me to do whatever it took to make sure I was admitted.

My doctor went off on my psych Dr. Because he was suppose to be helping me, instead he was killing me, the concoction of meds he had me on was literally killing me.

I was there for 5 days, during that time, I noticed I had a stutter when upset or mad, and I never paid attention to that before, my OCD was diagnosed, again, I realized that I count every single step so I know how long it takes me to get into somewhere and how long it will take me to get to the nearest exit if need be, I literally thought it was in my head but I realized I actually was doing this.

New meds were prescribed and I finally felt happy, for once I felt free, free of the demons that scared me so bad the only way out was death, or so I told myself.

I learned that I needed to forgive myself to forgive others, I learned that I'm not alone, and I learned that God did hear me, he heard my pleas, my defeat, my sorrow and he seen my pain.

I have cut myself since then, but have now stopped completely, I had a difficult time adjusting to things, I noticed after I got back home that I have social anxiety, I panic almost every single time I go to Wal-Mart, but I'm now on some anti anxiety meds that work wonders at times for me if I take 15 minutes before going somewhere.

But most of all......

I'm finally free and it feels so DAMN good

If you are having thoughts of hurting someone or yourself or if you know someone that is having bad thoughts of hurting someone or themselves , please get help. Get them help PLEASE
Someone is ALWAYS willing to listen, there is someone that cares, and you are NOT worthless, you ARE loved.

National suicide hot line :


If you want to talk I am here for you too, just please don't hurt yourself, please talk to someone, or be that person someone can talk to, if someone looks upset, check on them and don't take I'm fine for an answer.

Let them know you are there for them if they want a friend or someone to talk to, you will save their life.

Stay lovely y'all. I love you

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