My thoughts
Posted by al84
18th Nov 2019

If only people understood

Today was the day. The day I knew I was actually capable of harming myself. I had been off on sick leave for almost a year, obviously everyone just thought ďI was acting itĒ. What is actually wrong with you? she just cant be bothered working. Yes I heard it all. Fortunately I was in a semi lucky position that my husband was able to still ďcover ďour lifestyle ( no doubt I will discuss this at some point).

Anyway, back to today. So, it started off with my 2 children waking up, as it was an in-service day. As usual the minute they got out of bed they wanted on the laptop/you tube. This suited me as I couldnít face my livingroom/children never mind the world, even pouring some frosties into a bowl seemed like the biggest challenge ever. I finally got up and my oldest daughter (9) seemed so full of attitude (obviously) if I was a ďnormal personĒ I would have possibly dealt with the situation differently. So the smallest remark ended in my daughter calling me every name under the sun and me pretending I was calling the police as she wanted a better mum and a mum that was normal. Now anyone who has children will know the biggest stab to the heart is when they say they hate you and want a different family/mum.

I could tell this day was going to be hard, however I did get ready, I did get my 2 girls ready, I went into my bedroom put all my makeup on (anyone that knows me knows I always have full makeup whatever day of the week it is). To look at me there was nothing ďwrongĒ with me. I looked like I had the perfect life. I had a lovely house, 2 beautiful children and ďalwaysĒ had a face on that no one would ever imagine what was going on inside my mind.
I got us all in the car, drove to the physio to take my unwell mother (this is a whole different drama on its own) to her appointment. The whole time i could feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and blackness, like my life just ended at that moment. I still find it difficult to explain this feeling to anyone but itís the most petrifying feeling ever. Like nothing matters at all, my children, my family Ė NOTHING, I had been depressed for year but over the last few monthís it was blackness and I wanted off this earth.
So I cried the whole way to the appointment (inside obviously) as I could never show that I had a weakness. To look at me I looked fine, I seen people I say hello to whenever im out, they would never know what was going on inside my head (probably just as well, as I would have been dragged to a mental hospital right there and then).
I got on with the day, went to the shops with my mum and dad, who knew I had something going on but had absolutely no idea on how to approach or talk to me about it, this also includes my husband. I had mentioned to my parents how naughty/upsetting my children had been to me that morning, so you can imagine my horror when they wanted to treat them to a game for grannies house, obviously me saying I donít think thatís a good idea made me look like the wicked witch of the west. I knew then I could not be with my children that night. I would do something I may regret. They went to my mum and dads and I drive home, actually balling my eyes out this time, there was a few times I nearly totalled my car (not that I cared). Im surprised the police never done a chase on me, I was all over the road (very irresponsible as a parent/guardian).I got home, my husband parked in the drive, I knew I couldnít look at him as I would just freak out and start the biggest fight ever in order to avoid actually telingl him how I felt, shock horror this did actually happen. Yes he thinks im a nut case/biggest bitch and most over dramatic girl on the plane, get over yourself, stop being selfish, you always feel sorry for yourself, the list could go on, anyone in my situation knows this just makes the feeling of suicide even more welcoming.
I went up for shower and sat on my new (double king-size bed) as we had the best life/belongings to ďlookĒ like everything was great in my life, all I could think about is what would be the easiest way to commit suicide right now. I was on every tablet known to man and from previous experience taking handfuls of them just gave me a sore head the next day (I couldnít even kill myself properly).
I looked at my phone and typed in ďwhat to do if you feel you Want to kill yourselfĒ, the usual came up, which by the way have probably helped countless amounts of people and I have total respect for these support workers, but I didnít want to talk to someone and say how I felt, I know how I feel. I feel like im a nothing to the world and quite frankly hated myself and everything around me, how was writing ďwhat to do if you feel you Want to kill yourself) going to all of a sudden help me from not feeling that way. Instead I sat down on my (super-king-size bed) and started writing this. There is so much more I have to say and tell people, and see if they too have these thoughts, I want people to know they are NOT ALONE even although you feel like you are Ė I do right now!, I just cant get all the words out just now that I want to say/discuss with others. I will though. I hope by me writing my feelings and hopefully find someone who relates to me and feels the same way, we can support each other together even 1 person right now can help me know I am not alone. I write because I need help, I need support and the only way to stop myself from doing the unthinkable is by opening my laptop and writing this down.
Please help me and lets help each other, yes our illness may not be visible to the eye but believe me it is real and it is petrifying not being able to fully describe it ourselves.

I know some people will have negative things to say about this, however this is just me writing my thoughts/emotion and trying to stop myself from doing something I will never be able to undo. If you do read this please help me and I will help you.

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