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'The Worst Version of Myself' by M Sophia
Posted by SANE
15th Nov 2019

Why do we talk about versions of ourself? Why do we strive to be better or put so much pressure on ourselves; that our own vision of ourselves become distorted and we come to conclusion we are are the worst version. This disturbed thinking creates confusion and we start to question who we even are? You feel lost, desperately trying to be someone your not, fuelled by this perfection society.†

Media headline- bikini body, transformation gained/ lost said lb’s. †Parent shaming, unemployment, business success, education A* 1st. Social media- luxury lives , wealth, holidays, happiness everything is perfect- perfect body, perfect house, perfect family perfect life. †This all contributes to our own self judgement and distorted vision.†

There is nothing more painful then not knowing who you are and hating who you are, but this disturbed thinking will never work, as†you are who you are!†The most beautiful thing is we are not all the same and we are not perfect -no one is. †Yet why can’t we see it?†

We have the ability to: reassure, care and love others, but we rarely ever give ourself the same love and care we deserve. This skill has got lost in our quick pace perfectionist †society. It’s time we ought to slow down, start facing reality, instead of painting the ideal perfect picture for financial profit and start showing life through honesty & realism for life profits.- †Our society is run by money and profits which is proving detrimental to our wellbeing. Wouldn’t it be nice if our society ran on health profits instead. One that showed †kindness, care, self love, acceptance, honesty & reality. I wonder how we would view ourselves in this environment?†

Would we still be judging ourselves, confused in how we see ourself? †Would we still feel like the worst version of ourselves? Would we be striving for perfection and be disturbed by our own self image? Will we ever be able to change our society to one that’s driven by self love & care?†

For me this is my biggest struggle, my own self image is distorted. I feel like I don’t know who I am. I feel the need to change depending on who I am with or where I am etc. The pressure I feel to be someone I am not, is exhausting and makes me constantly feel like I am the worst version of myself. I strive to be this happy, stable, skinny, confident successful version of myself? Can I ever achieve this or am I just distorted by perfection and unrealistic views ?†

I am trying to accept who I am, and start self loving and be kinder to myself. I’m learning that I need to be reasonable to myself and start ignoring the demons fuelled †by BPD -that I’m not worthy, I’m horrible, ugly, fat, failure & unstable etc etc and start being kind to myself.†

In short I need to accept the †best version of myself is unreasonable and impossible, as†no human is perfect.†Instead I am going to start with best version of myself which would be: self loving, self caring & accepting. Maybe if I can bring myself to a realistic neutral, I can begin to heal and build on my self image and care.?

If you’d like to read more of M Sophia’s writing, you can visit her blog here: https://mybattlewithmentalhealtheupd.blogspot.com/

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