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day after day
Posted by myheadspacerace
11th Nov 2019

I am a schizophrenic with depression. Today, I have been up all night trying to study for a University module. I didn't take my meds last night because I got very drunk. I cant remember my YouTube activity or crawling into bed. A common occurrence these days. As usual I am getting harassed by my neighbours so I listen to white noise on my earphones but I still hear the taunts and fight to control my mood as they play mind games. Now I wish for some peace and quiet as my ears still ring from the earphone noise at full blast. Wishing I could tell my shrink about how I feel, say something to help me feel better. But I get bullied by him as I try to build up the courage to be assertive. But I am afraid that will antagonise him and make my experience even worse. Still getting pains in my knees from the assaults whilst in Hospital, getting an MRI scan sometime soon in the hope that It will help. But I think that not being able to walk far is the best that I will get and feel afraid to risk having surgery. Feeling alone but not alone. In that no mans land between the battering from the mind games and my symptoms, too afraid of the consequences of reaching out for help. Its raining outside and I am preparing myself for a brisk walk and some physio and stretching, encouraged by my eloquent ramblings of my first blog. I hope to write again, maybe this will be as cathartic as it feels right now or add to my insecurity and paranoia of my pretend anonymity as I seem to have. Until next time. :)

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