Stupid and lazy?
Posted by
8th Dec 2011

I am at university, after struggling through my A Levels and being too ill to attend after 2 stints in hospital. It is what I have always wanted. Unfortunately, it is not as easy as it may once have been.

Whilst continuing to try to manage my self harm and avoid surrendering to a constant barrage of suicidal thoughts, I know have to face the pressure to perform and the reality that I have lost a lot of my previous abilities.

When I was younger, I was naturally academic and a high achiever, who could complete work to a high standard with little outside input or time. I achieved high GCSE and AS Level grades despite the onset of depression and anxiety and several attempts to end my life. I feel like I have degenerated. Today, I can't concentrate, I can't motivate myself or organise my thoughts. I can't remember things, I struggle to understand things or to convey ideas.

I feel so lazy and stupid and like I'm making it all up. I want this so much. If I can't do this, I wouldn't know what else to do.

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