Middle aged and still struggling
Posted by donna75
2nd Aug 2019

Hello. I'm new here as I'm really struggling I thought I'd try this to see if sharing my experience would help me and maybe others too.
I've struggled with depression, insomnia and anxiety since my early 20s, theres usually no trigger it just happens.
This time I've ended up off sick from a job I used to enjoy but now hate, I don't know if the job made me depressed or vice versa but I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks mostly at work, feeling inadequate and struggling to concentrate which made my work suffer and so made me feel everyone there was sick of me making mistakes and having to go and calm down when panic set in.
This current episode has been going on for over six months, I finally went to the doctor about four months ago and was prescribed antidepressants and some mild sleeping tablets. If anything my depression and anxiety has been worse since and my insomnia has not improved the slightest .
I have a problem with my upper spine which causes constant chronic pain which I think has contributed to my mental health problems, nothing really helps the pain and I'm unable to do simple tasks without constantly resting due to it, if I try to push through I'm in agony for days after.
My main concern right now is I am constantly wishing I was dead, I don't feel I'm going to kill myself but I just seem to have "I wish I was dead" on a loop in my head and it won't stop.
I have a lovely family and a few good friends so I'm not alone but I feel alone. I'm frightened to tell my doctor about wishing I was dead as I can't bear the thought of going into hospital and abandoning my family because my brain isn't right at the moment.
I'm also worried about money as ssp isn't sufficient and I can't get help because my partner works although he's on a low wage.
I think I need some coping techniques to get me out of this rut, I've tried meditation but I can't concentrate to focus on it.
Although this is basically me moaning on about myself I hope it makes even one person see they're not the only one feeling this way.

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