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Just a mental mind with a Eating disorder
Posted by weemo24
31st May 2019

So it started when I was young I always knew I was different I would stare into space had to get snapped out of my zone I was a good kid but naughty at the same time if I didnít get attention I would hide my shoes up the lumb/fireplace pick fight with my siblings and at school this made me get bullied I grew reserved couldnít really talk to other kids and when I did I hit out with lies tried to make myself look better than I was as I hit the academy I didnít make friends my own age I hung about with my sister and her friends we got made by the headteacher to paint bathrooms as we were to silly to sit in class then came the figure I was always a skinny ugly kid big eyes big lips to make myself disappear I stuck my fingers down my throat this carried on for a good year until I got caught by my brother who told my my mum then I heard the words sheís crazy knew she was always stupid they words changed me from that day I did know I was different but to hear it was horrid I ended up bad getting into trouble expelled from school no one was helping me why cause I was just another statistic bad things happened to me growing up but Iím my mind it was ok I did once write my life on paper but binned it as I was a lost cause many years have went by now finally I get to see a shrink and cpn nurse at once I knew the cpn nurse didnít like me he never listened to my side why I done the things I done why I donít know why I spend all my money on silly things that I donít need why I get angry why I get depressed and have bad thoughts my life has been a vicious circle of self harm through making myself sick or starving myself when Iím sad or confused how the nurse at my doctors blame me for my current Iíll health Iím now 43 shrink says I have a personality disorder I havenít been explained what it is I have been told that Iíll never get help for my eating disorder as they say I donít want help they put me on olanzipine Iíve been on them 8 years maybe longer 30mgs they donít help I donít get any support help nothing Iím old why would they help me I ask myself am I just a loss cause is it because when people try n talk to me I make up theses lies in my head and then blurt out lies to them that make them not want to help does my self harm of a eating disorder make me this way or is it my crazy mind I lock myself away in the house Iíve came to not trusting my doctor anymore because he doesnít help me Iíve pleaded but Iím at that age Iím an adult not a child pull yourself together sorry Iíve been battling all my life with demons that just wonít leave me aloan for one minute none to turn to no doctor can cure me mental health sucks I only joined tonite because Iím sad been feeling sad for couple of weeks my partner doesnít understand just calls me crabbit and moans if I donít eat why do I feel sad I donít have a clue tomorrow may come and I could be happy who knows what the mind is thinking at any point to live with mental health is horrible and a eating disorder and to top it of thereís no mental help where I stay the cpn has a problem but hey who am I to tell that Iím just a human that has asked for many years to cure me to let me live a normal life not a crazy one I do have some good times my only bad habit in life I smkoe I donít drink I donít take drugs I smoke ciggarettes when people look at me itís not with love itís with disgust as Iím all bones white pale skin I hardly brush my hair or change my clothes but oddly Iím ocd on cleaning food making attention to detailing I lime things perfect my life has been traumatic in many events Iím making an appointment again to speak to my doctor about my mood but when I speak to him I clam up I donít know what to say when I was born they told my mum they thought I was going to die then they told her I might be disabled Iím not Iím here telling this story mental health needs to fix whatís broken Iím broken I want to be fixed but I donít know how I find it hard speaking face to face I excagirate what Iím talking about then make it into a starry that makes them believe Iím a story teller I donít know how to express myself I often look at people when I go to hospital or doctors there looking at me judging me because of the way I look I canít help it Iíve tryed and battled for years to fix me myself but I canít do it Iím not strong enough anymore to fix my dodgy head myself Iím reaching out Iím screaming a cry for help to fix me but thereís no one shouting back at me Iím wanting other readers points of view on the matter do I ask to much just a bit of comfort bit of reassurance Iím fine youíll get through this as thereís no support here where I stay the hand that reaches first will win the battle as they say

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