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My Head Space Today
Posted by galatheon
11th May 2019

Today is the 11th May 2019. I figured, I've probably been bottling up quite a bit of emotion for some time now so it would be a good idea to write down my thoughts and how I am processing things at the moment. I decided to look up forums and see if anyone else had recent and relevant experiences posted and for me to look and see what people had replied with as helpful advice. I wanted to start a forum myself however as none of what I found seemed to come across as being particularly relevant to me but instead I've decided I want to keep track of my thoughts in a blog as appose to having other opinions on my mental state.

So, to date, I would say I have been struggling with depression since the age of about 14. I don't have your typical story, I wasn't bullied and I don't have traumatic childhood experiences. I am now 20 years of age and over the last year I've gotten to the peak of my mental deterioration. I suppose it will have started with relationships; however, if I was to draw a timeline of how I got to where I am now there would look to be a huge build-up of insecurities, paranoia and for want of a better word fear. It's not just relationships I fear anymore, it's the world, it's the thought of "It's my first day back at a job I left six months ago because of suicide attempts and me going through crisis" my body feels like it's shutting down at the thought of going there tomorrow, I need money to help out my family and I need work to feel like I have some sort of future to build but I am terrified.

I feel like every thought is going to come back, I still get the suicidal thoughts on a daily basis and it always gets brought to the front of my mind as a "this is your way to get out of that thing you don't want to do" 'option'. I can go so quickly from finding every reason to stay alive and fight it out in this world to thinking of every possible "painless" way to end my life.

I'm really really scared and it makes me want to hurt myself again.

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