The Invisible Loss
Posted by cwmd1
27th Apr 2019

April has been a really tough month for me. It has been anxious, worrying, stressful, depressing, in fact you name it, it has been.

I have had anxiety for a long time time now and one part of a mental illness that I find tough is trying to get loved ones to understand how I am feeling, why I have it, especially when the anxiety has peaked and is in full flow. I am being more honest with family and friends now about how I am feeling and not "just putting on a brave face". It took a while, but I now know it is always better to reach out and be honest instead of hiding my feelings. And it is ok for others to not get exactly where I'm coming from. I don't understand why I sometimes feel the way I do (is it nature? Nurture? Both?), so how can I expect others to totally get it"?

One of the toughest parts of this month has been for me a real sense of loss. It hasn't been any loss you could have seen, both were invisible but even so, its was a real feeling of loss. And that was I felt I had lost any feeling of hope and faith. It wasn't a choice to loose them and never in a million years did I want to loose my feelings of hope and faith, but I can honestly say there has been times this month that no matter how hard I have tried it felt that everything just kept going wrong and my faith and hope was just ebbing away.

Then something daft happened. I really, really fancied a chocolate biscuit and I'm not going to lie I really enjoyed it and I didn't stop at one (I can never just have one).

That small moment in the day was a light when I really needed a light in all the stress. It gave me hope that even when things were really down I could still have a moment in enjoying something. It gave me faith that things were not quite as bleak as I had really believed they were at that point. Faith and hope may appear to have really gone, but I do have faith that they never actually left. I just couldn't see them for a while, and they will appear in the smallest, unlikeliest or chocolateiest of places. And I hope that I never forget that again.

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