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Posted by gem95
20th Mar 2019

Hey, I have no idea really what I’m doing on here as I’ve never done this before.
I just feel like I’m struggling a lot lately. So I’m gonna write about myself and see how I get on.
I’m a 23 year old girl, I have a wonderful boyfriend who I have such a laugh with and love endlessly.
My older brother and I have rather a distant relationship which I wish was different. But he put me through a lot when I was younger, landing me in therapy at age 15.
My mum has battled with many illnesses over the years and is currently on dialysis for kidney failure and is having a very rough time, I wake up most mornings not knowing how much longer I have with her and then some days are great and I fee stupid for thinking that but then some days are awful and I’m like “Oh my god this is it!” - my mum is my best friend, seeing her like this is so hard.
My dad has always been so strong and kept us all going, but he’s been in a lot of denial and recently has broken down and is currently off sick because he wants to be with my mum. I feel like me and my dad only have each other in the world and I worry that when something happens to my mum, what will my dad do?
Most recently I went off sick too because things got bad with my mums illness and my dad was also in a bad way, with no support from my brother and very little from our friends and family... I broke too.
I’d been having a few problems at work as it were and I’d made a complaint about my supervisor and the way she speaks to me and treats me as it upsets me and it’s not right or fair and she knows about my depression and anxiety and she knows what it happening at home.
Anyway I had to attend a meeting at work today and I’ve been fired. I was still on probation and apparently I haven’t met the requirements needed to be kept on - how convenient.
So anyway here I am now, it’s like 1:30am and I know I need to go to bed and try and get some sleep but I simply can’t pull myself out of the chair. I have been experiencing insomnia lately but I guess I don’t help myself by staying up late in the first place.
I’d always said I’d never thought about suicide and that I’d never do it... I’m scared of pain and death and the unknown and all that... I’m a wimp. But lately I’ve wondered how much it would hurt if I walked out in front of a van while crossing the street, would it hurt? Would I die?
I literally have no control over what is happening to me and I can’t stand it or see any light at the end of the tunnel right now.

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