Stepping Forward
Posted by kcjh99
4th Mar 2019

I have no idea if anyone will read this, it just feels like a good idea. To write down and share how I feel anonymously. How I feel, on a daily basis.
When I wake up in the morning, itís a struggle to get out of bed. That feeling when you just donít have the energy to get on with your day. The feeling that there is no point getting out of bed, no one will miss your presence if you donít go to work or college. Your just a number. Somehow, 70% of the time I get out of bed and get on with it. Because you have to. The other 30% of the time I cry, feel sad, and I donít get out of bed. I stay there all day, donít shower and nap all day. I then feel guilty that I didnít go to work. Its never ending.
Once the day is done, I go home, get on with any work I have to do and go to sleep.

Iíve never been one who will open up to anyone about what goes on in my head. Everyone says Ďshe moodyí, Ďsheís lazyí ĎI donít know whatís wrong with her.í This saddens me that this is their perspective on me, but this is what we do. We hide it.

Recently I have thought that alcohol is a great way to forget how I feel, so I go out and I drink as much as I possibly can. Its like I never want the party to end, I donít know when to stop.

In the past few days Iíve been getting really upset for what feels like no reason, crying, punishing myself for mistakes Iíve made and constantly worrying. This has cause the people closest to me to notice this, it gave me the courage to open up to them.

Today, I found it in myself to go and see my GP. Before the appointment I was so nervous, worried that she wouldnít believe me or say I was overreacting. She was the complete opposite. She listened to me, she explained how she could help. She reassured me that I had made a big step forward by reaching out, and that the appropriate help was out there for me.

Today has been a pretty rubbish day for me, Iíd rate it a 3/10. But something positive happened today. And Iím now on my journey to recovery.

If anyone is reading this thinking that they canít reach out to someone, you can. It may feel like a daunting thing but itís the most important thing to do.

Today I took a step forward, and my only goal is to keep going forward and find myself again.

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