Summer by Anne Brian
Posted by SANE
6th Jul 2018

Summer.  I always look forward to it.  I don't think I have ever been psychotic in the summer.  Christmas is the time to be psychotic. The tinsel and glitter of the season which makes most people so happy and excited, reminds me only of my mother's black eye and compulsively eating Quality Street until I puked.

This summer is my second one without my husband.  He died in January 2017.  Everyone expected me to have a mental breakdown when he died.  But I didn't.  I would have liked one more day together.  I had such plans for that day.  I had new slippers with hard outdoor soles on them to take to the hospice.  I was going to take him out into the gardens in a wheelchair to have a better look at the fountain he liked so much.  I had downloaded photographs of his favourite Arran mountains onto my laptop for him to look at.  I had get well cards from friends for him to open.  I had such plans.  But he left his body at 6.00am and I only just had time to be there and hold his hand and tell him I loved him and that it was OK to go if he needed to and that's what he did.

Time.  It's priceless.  When you are young you fritter it away, imagining it has no end because the end is so far off.  And then it isn't.

So the way those men in white coats, or, in more modern times, those young men and women in jeans, swinging their keys, robbed me of months of time, months of time at a time, telling me I was ill when I felt great, telling me that the way I felt great was wrong, telling me that when I felt crap that was too much like crap, that it wasn't right to be sometimes a passionate fruit and sometimes an empty husk, when that was the only way I knew how to be, well that wasn't right of THEM.

So many summers lost sucking the life out of cigarettes while your agile mind drowned in a sea of zacs and chlorps and zines and zops and diazes.  It was the only way to get out, you see.  They only let you out if you promise to shuffle along for your regular shot in the bum, if you dutifully swallow the pills which make you conform, fit in, buckle under, get normal, be well, sit still, stop screaming, stop laughing, stop loving, stop living like you, start living like them.

It's summer and I've been up since 4.00am.   I don't care because the sun got up with me.  Today I will shine and I will be me.

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