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Posted by md
13th May 2018

Hi
So I have just join up because today I had a horrible of feeling I should just end my life. It's a weekly thing, very unhealthy.

I feel stuiped after this curse as I call it passes and very tired and drain.

I have been told by doctors many times "it sounds like depression, it's sound like anixtiy" I have been offered anit depression but I away ended up putting these down the sink.

My mum bless her has suffered with depression but as my family I have grown with know of us opening up about here feeling. I remember as a child visiting my mum in hospital. For all I knew she was in hospital maybe because she was ill not knowing it was because she was mentally ill.

I always had to leave the house because the nurse was coming around, again I had no idea why.

I never told anyone about wanting to end my life. It's can be a unconditional thoughts. I have told friends how I have felt but never my family. However I have never tried harming myself. But the stress of these thoughts a harmful enough. I have lost friends.

family life was hard, I am from a rural family and I am very dyslexic. ( thank goodness for dragon speak software)

To my family I was thick, studied, useless, I been call it all. So you can see they were a motivating supportive family. I was beaten not just smacked, beaten! I probably was a little toe rag at times.

It was when I was ment to start secondary school were things got bad. I got sent to a school for children with behaviour problem. I just needed support with my dyslexia but it was a quick fix to a problem.

I am sure I broke my family hearts for not being the prefect son.

This school was a prison for children, I am pretty sure this place is now closed.

Anyway it all went wrong. I was bullied left right and centre. From inside and outside this hell hole.

all of this still haunts me today. I am 35 and I have a M.A, also married. I was told I would never do a degree let alone a M.A.

My wife is supportive she knows if I m having a bad day and how tired it makes me. When I meet she got me into marital arts and boxing which is a god send. I would like to right another post on this.

But it's not a cure, I still get these selfish thoughts of killing myself and I don't know where to turn. I can't tell my wife or my friends. Going to the doctors is a no go zone because of all the cuts to the nhs plus I feel there are other people who could make better use of the service.

So yeah..... If no one read this wufffle at least it's actually help me.

Stay frosty peeps

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