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When will it stop
Posted by hannahbella
12th Apr 2018

So I've never written a blog before but I don't like talking to people about my problems face to face so why not write it to complete strangers instead.Even if no one reads it at least ill be kind of facing my reality and getting things if my chest.
So when does a bad day turn into a bad week which turns into a bad month and so on and so on? I've been depressed for a couple of years now I hide it very well to some and not so well to others I have a big network but only a couple of them know I haven't been my best self for a while,my depression and anxiety got worse when my son was diagnosed with autism in 2016 he was 2.5 at the time I love my son with all my heart but knowing he may never say the words "love you mum" can break your heart into a million pieces . I am thankful everyday that he is here and god forbid things could be alot worse but it still gives you scars only a special needs parent will ever understand. The smallest victories can feel like he's climbed Everest and I will always celebrate them in the best way I can but at the moment I have to plaster a fake smile on my face not because of my son but because of other things that are going on. 3 weeks ago I had a phone call from my sister telling me that our father had died he commited suicide now I haven't spoke to him in around 10 years and to me my step father who's raised me since I was 18 months old will always be my dad but it does still hurt and my emotions are all over the place at the minute a week and half later I went out on a Saturday night (the day before Easter sunday) I went out with my friend to a pub and then night club she needed to get out as she had just came out of a 7 year relationship and me well as I explained above things haven't been exactly great and the fact that my son was having night terrors and I had no sleep in a week on top of everything else I just wanted to drown the crying out so my partner gave me a break and stayed in with the kids so I can relieve some stress.To cut the story short I was raped that night by a stranger it's been reported and I just have to hold tight and see what happens next so That's everything that's going on with me at the minute .I just want it all to stop this world has ruined me and the person i was but i will never let it ruin me as a mother so I will slap that fake smile on everyday for my boys they are my everything and I will never let them know how much this world has betrayed me. I'm not looking for sympathy I just need to read these words as u can't say them out loud ... blessings x

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