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The Blindside Memoirs 2
Posted by SANE
29th Mar 2018

Horizon of the soul / Heart on my sleeve – 10.7.13

A Smile masks a frown, a laugh covers the crying, Triumph, there is no defeat. We cradle over broken glasses left everywhere, as the sky falls this is meant to be our world, but whatever happened to it all? Under everything, we are still human. Life will always continue to take everything away from us, try to leave us for dead. Experiencing temporary pleasure but permanent pain, I ask myself, where am I again? As my soul hits the horizon, my breath begins to fade, I wish for death, I wish. How can I tell what is ever real for when I never know if I am awake or dreaming? Imprisoned with myself, it becomes very cold. I slowly awake again, blinking rapidly as I eventually open my eyes. I stare around, inside me, my cries of frustration become all too much as I yearn to be heard again but I am forever unheard. I have become frozen over, as bitter as this god forsaken place we are meant to call home. My heart is forever on my sleeve, the mental anguish pushing me to insanity, every man survives on their own truly. Am I still dreaming, living or even worse? We have become procession to function and we are idolised like pieces of meat. We fail to forgive and forget, we live to torment each other no matter how much may one beg and reach their lowest form. I stare into the Abyss of the sky, waiting to fall and for someone to one day hear my call.

 

Begotten Shadows/Round it all – 10/7/13

Basking in the filth of your blood money, for I question, you continue to add my strain. Nothing seems real as pain. They won’t listen, they hear me. Please God awake me, for this surreal nightmare is as real as much as my panic. I ask you for help, but all you can do is bask in your sin, you brush me aside back into my shadow and I ascend into nothingness. I am not a shadow of what I was once, the man I used to be. Trust has spoken, it is not broken, and no one left to believe. ‘‘Dog Eat Dog world’’. My eyes become dead, frozen over again. My stare is colder than hell is as hot. Nothing else matters, round it all despair is there and now never a care for what they do to us. Trying to find some solemn again within me, mistakes are continued with lessons never learnt. My self-torture is now my gift, time to strive to find that chance again. So hard we strive for some acceptance and to be taken real again. It matters not what they know, but what they do, leaving me again like nothing is meant for me. I will repeat myself here once again; luck being for those who have no clue, karma favours evil, misfortune is forever all around us. Our souls are buried alive around it all.

 

Broken Wall / Wish for the Worst – 10/7/13

We don’t know what has happened they said. They mutter those dreadful words no one wants to hear as I linger on nearby ‘’He has changed’’. Situations in life do not change us for who really are, it only extends a part of us and opens up something which we have never felt before, reaction to this is sure to leave the wall with cracks. We carry on building this invisible wall higher and higher to protect us from what we do not understand, and stop us from feeling vulnerable. The war is within me but the battle will never end. Sometimes it is not best to wear your heart on your sleeve, as the wall is likely to be broken. No one will truly understand another. Nothing makes sense. Laying here. Rotting. I am merely rotting away from inside and out. Imprisoned and whilst in the chambers I ask myself, why I cannot die, kill me. I asking you to not let me continue he said. For my handle on life is broken, why would one want to carry on living a life of a false smile? My tears transparent as the expressions upon my body, for the all Seeing Eye I am fine, but am sucked into a black hole with no way out. With happiness around me and I am wishing for the worst, my time has surely come.

 

In Lock Works - 13/9/13 -1.8.14

Let us shut it down, I recall it. I recall it all so well. Broken trust may take an eternity to repair. Forgiveness does not come by so easily it seems. We become in lock works, no key to exist. The Clash of egos, casting over our humble land with a dark cloud for all to see, even the blind. Casted over what was once a land of prophecy, now a toxic waste land now. Poison spews as mist and is contaminating. Now the land of once proud warriors is now for the hunted prey trying to escape. They begin to assemble in their shrewd wolf packs fallen far from grace. Take no orders no more; we are not a slave that is man-made. I am my own leader again, no bandwagon with the sheep astray, I move far away as possible alone away from the crowd, and never felt more in belonging. Flying on freedom, don’t cut my wings or rattle my cage, the door is slammed shut. Bolted and locked, this beast slumbers. Tank armoured heart, fuelled by desire and far from drowning again, the fire burns, anger masked, the mirror shattered as much as the reflection. Once was revealing a painting of pain and broken dreams, I now live once again , worry more and love forever.

 

Preach of Practise – 1/8/14

Practise what you preach, see us now. We have become so far out of reach. Leaders roar in unison, we snare fear into the cowards and see their tails running. Inherited the crown, nine lives or one, I will live with a smile not a frown whether tied up in shackles and chains nothing will preach me down. Black sheep labelled, confusion with deceit, where is the solution? What you see is an issue, but what about what you don’t see? Seeing does not always believe, so save your stop sob story and practise what you preach. We are the predators, we are the prey. Sometimes I have no care, no care. The spewed poison has the veins it’s eating away, even so, either way; even this dog will have its day.

Times of struggles, tick tuck , we must learn the value of helping each other, recession & depression is only a temporary situation until once again we become a free soul. Sad and broken, soul searching they are made to be feeling token. Coming or going lost in traffic, hit the button blind panic, pull the trigger it’s all manic. Sun she shines, she is so bright, reassurance and breath life back into me again. Hypocrisy system defines the mechanism, trying rewrite the history books remember all the heroes and crooks, let it be said, her purposes are pure, hate is now never more.

 

Bay – 1/8/14

Blue lit sunset sky, silent falls. Peace to it all, war for none. The game isn’t over until it’s clocked, closed, shut and done. Ring the alarms, worrisome become a common trait with the devil trying to reel you in , disguised as your desire for bait. Again the alarm bells ring, the shriek of a voice from him shattering existence surrounding. Conquer what you can’t see or find because it will blind you leaving you trapped again in the mind. Penny drop white noises and flinch, beware what you could become, turning through time back and forward. Turning the dial on the box of life, pop up the jack. Don’t expect any understanding, the distance is neither close nor far, this is a journey I must explore, feeling like physical char.

Frustration and infuriation kept me at bay; you better now hush up and back up. It will be me to have the last say… I am not god, neither the devil but an equal. Keep envy and jealousy light as a feather, sun, sleet or snow, my name will be remembered and engraved forever.

 

This is the end of the Beginning  -  30/10/12

Artist. Visionary. Error. Joy. Happiness. Anger. Addiction.

Welcome to my world. These are just some of the words which come to thought and heart. I am far from the word perfection. I am far from greatness. Greatness? How do you define greatness? Constantly fighting. Fighting. Fighting my addiction. My addiction to embark on enlightenment. My addiction to achieve ‘greatness’. Our lives always continue to extend further paths, unfolding over time. We must allow space, allow space to grow. When life reaches a pause, it is time to wake up again. Break away; wake up before you end up like the rest. Freeze.

‘Don’t stop thinking. Don’t stop feeling. Your life will freeze. Your addiction becomes painful, feed to your expectations. Believe to achieve’ (Kapur, 2013)

 

N.I.F – 30/10/12

They say you can be in a room full of people, but still feel so lonely. They say people are sorry, they will be there for you, but you still feel alone. They say you can have the world at your feet, materialistically richer, but burdening on the inside.  When no one sees what you can see, when no one seems to understand what. Failed attempts shrew you further away.

Question mark tattooed all over you. Just remember, nothing is permanent. Pain is not forever, it dies along with everything else we hold onto. Fuelling everything off your paranoia, we shall not always be saved. Nothing is forever, but do not live forever doing nothing.

-Fin-

 

Silence – 1/11/12

Silence. They say silence is solemn. They say silence is a sign of strength.  It is a sign of weakness. Silence is your downfall, silence is your saviour. You stay silence, when there is so much so say. You stay silence, when there is nothing to say. You stay silence, when you are afraid. You stay silent, in times of honour.  You are my friend. You are my enemy. You are my trust, please don’t betray it.

 

Poison – 2/11/12

‘What looks good to the human eye, fuels desire till we become blind in what is right and wrong’ (Kapur, 2013)

We feed of the fear of others, wearing your heart on a sleeve. It is time to say your farewells. We give into our selfish desires, wanting everything. Greed and lust drowns us, as we begin to choke, sunk inside what you used to be. Tied down nowhere to go, leave us to drip and dry. Every bite of the apple becoming more and more poisonous. Everything which seemed good, is only haste towards death, what is right and what is wrong?

 

The circle – 2/11/12

We are all compelled to hate. We are all compelled to feel sorrow. Some of us dress differently. Some of us are tall. Some of us are small. Some of us are rich. Some of us are poor. Some worry more than others. Some never at all. Others hide in fear; they try to end it all. Hard times, good times. When you take everything away, when you give everything away. Follow this, circle of life. Once you get used to it, faster it spins out of control. Prepare to fall and get up again. – Think-

Decapitation of the living – 2/11/12

Some things are difficult to understand, along with most of life.

I am just a simple boy. Go with living and loving. Playing and working.

Believe to achieve, sadly we have to give into greed, wealth is a need, let us now proceed.

Nature is a mole, digs out to strike right under you.

Some say we waste time thinking, we waste time feeling.

To do neither, who are you really?

Everyone is a hypocrite, everyone is a lie. Claiming to live life the honest way.

The way of the coward everyone seems to follow.

Laugh in the face of others, let the dust settle. What do we now see?

We that it is you crumbling, who is laughing now?

No one can be themselves truly. Words fall into deaf ears, actions become false.

Conflict will never end. – Look and Learn –

 

Disease – 08:20am – 7-11-12

Situations always changing , quickly and fast. Assured to crumble , not keeping up.

Just like dust, blown away into nothingness. Take it slow, feeling lucky punk.

Lucky enough to see another day.

Screaming, shouting, is there a resolution?

Concrete coloured skies and blood rain downpour.

A way out is what I thrive for, nothing more.

Trapped and frozen, everything becomes repeated with no cure.

Banged to my ears like the devil’s drum. I begin to bleed, still there is no resolution.

So much more to question. Caught by the wind, past me is the breeze as it hauntingly shows its presence.

You shun me and try to cut me down, like I am some kind of disease.

This disease trying to tear and wear me down. Toil and weakened, the clock  begins to tick.

Let us all ask something, something very personal, who here is really the disease of humanity?

Every single one of you.

-Pause- Thought – Fin

 

Be real – 12/4/13

Nothing will ever be truly good enough. Time if of essence, we fail to identify.

Patience is wearing thin like the dying rose I gave you.

We feel the burden, complete standstill.

Your blind by your complexities, nothing is every straight edge and simple.

We mercy and wish for so much, dreams are for the afterlife.

We give up hope through shattered and broken dreams.

If I Said to jump of a cliff, would you follow?

Expectations become sole focus, failing in confusion to see what we really want.

When we are not true to ourselves, you might as well forget about those dreams.

Forget about the success.

Be real to life, be real to yourself.

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