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Posted by SANE
23rd Mar 2018

I write about my struggles with mental health and general life nonsense over on my own blog page, but the reason for beginning me writing habit was to try and document the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder. 

For such a long time I had no idea that all my annoying habits were because of something. The 400mph conversations, repeating myself so often I gave myself a headache and just generally being angry with life, feeling misunderstood and miserable a lot of the time was actually because of something. Finding out there was a reason for it all definitely help me turn my life around and become a more positive place to be.

Over the last 18 months or so I have lost friends and felt like maybe life wasn’t really something I wanted to partake in anymore. Lying in bed and sleeping felt more productive than experiencing any kind of interaction out with the safe walls of my home. 
The saying goes that you once you hit rock bottom there’s only one way to go and for me I found this to be true. After being the lowest I’ve ever been in the summer of last year I slowly started to find things that helped me become more engaged, happier and successful. I started to practice daily positive processing, setting myself goals but not beating myself up when I didn’t reach them, just having them there to aim for. Within a short space of time, all the awful months and years started fading out and I now live a new reality.

This new life isn’t free from the crap days, however, this last two or three months I can feel the unwelcome nothingness of a depressive fog starting to linger longer than is healthy and over the last week or so I’ve had the depressions favourite companion, anxiety to juggle as well. 
Writing this blog I am currently tucked up on the sofa, feeling exhausted for no good reason. I feel physically unwell but not exactly sure what the problem really is. It’s all too familiar. It’s all a bit tiring to think of having to start working a little harder again at making time to meditate or do yoga. When your body is telling you-you're too tired to try it’s very easy to just give up.

The biggest lesson I may have learned though, over this last year and a half is that giving up, no matter how shit you feel doesn’t help. It does make it worse. Always.

So I will allow myself time today to lie here and stay warm and indulge in nonsense tv shows, but I will also take time to go back over how I ended up at rock bottom, how bad I felt and why it’s so important to keep pushing past the rubbish spells. Because that is what this is, it’s an unwelcome spell of being low and I every morning until things change I will allow myself five minutes to really believe the mantra, “this too shall pass”.

This return isn’t forever. It’s just for just now, and when you beat it once there’s no reason not to do it again.

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