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Juggling: Before and After Therapy by Claire
Posted by clairerpb
6th Mar 2018

JUGGLING – a mum’s / teacher’s life before therapy

Balls of different shapes, colours and sizes,
Juggled swiftly with the help of many different guises;
Efficiency and control are at the heart of the game,
To keep the momentum going, the balance the same.

Concentration and focus is what it demands,
It’s the balls themselves that bark the commands;
Rate their importance, keep them all going,
Look out for new ones – they’ll creep in without you knowing.

Occasionally one gets dropped, is it really no big deal?
Has anyone noticed the shame that you feel?
You pick it up, resume the pace, swift as before,
Now determination not to fail consumes you even more.

But it’s tiring, it’s tough and you start to slow down,
Your struggle is revealed by your deep frown;
Yet you keep going because failure is not a possibility,
You try to smother the frown with false positivity.

Then one day you wake up. You’ve dropped them all.
Every single one could not avoid The Fall;
They lie scattered in front of you as though to mock,
Your mind and body are blank as though in shock.

What now? What to do about each of those balls?
Do you reach out to grab one or try to grab them all?
Do you actually have the strength to juggle anymore?
Or will you give up completely and lie with them on the floor?


JUGGLING – a year on: post therapy

Well I didn’t decide to give up, my mind just took control,
And for a full year of my life, held a dominant role;
I plummeted into severe depression, ceasing to be me,
Wife, mummy or teacher, I could no longer be.

My hair thinned, I lost weight, I could no longer care,
Detached from all who loved me, life’s joys I didn’t share;
Moving from the sofa was an impossible feat,
I often longed for my heart to cease to beat.

The situation was extreme, from intense pain I couldn’t hide;
Nightmares of past traumas, led to my attempted suicide;
It broke so many hearts but mine was numb to it all,
My emotions had been dead since the day of The Fall.

With therapy and love, as well as vital medication,
I’ve managed to turn a corner with anxious trepidation;
As I tiptoe towards the future, I feel hope once again,
And I’m more able to cope with that intense pain.

It’s been a traumatic journey but I’ve learnt what life’s about:
Human connection is crucial, as is the courage to reach out;
I don’t need to prove anything or to always be strong,
And if I drop the odd ball, nothing will go wrong.

It’s true that life is challenging and we’ll always need to juggle
But please be self-aware and ask for help when you struggle;
I always thought I was invincible, I’d cope with any strife,
Please don’t believe in that, you might just save a life!

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