stuck in a moment
Posted by
31st Aug 2011

I sat in a meeting today, not an uncommon event,discussing business issues and participating with my colleagues. They don't know I am depressed. They may well not really know what it means. I can't see myself telling them, even though some of them I have known for years. I am male, which doesn't lend itself to weakness of any sort. Even though where I work isn't particularly macho, and doesn't really do the boy culture thing, I can't imagine coming out with what would be a conversation killer. I'm depressed. I take medication for it. I'm seeing a counsellor. I've made my wife and kids miserable at times. At times I hate certain things about myself. Not as in I wish I was taller, or had more hair, or a prettier face. Hate bits of my personality. Hate my outlook at times, hate hearing myself moan, snap at the kids, pick fights with them because I can. Some would call that bullying. Am I a bully? I don't think so, and I doubt if any one at work would accuse me of such a thing. But in the eyes of those I should love the most and protect, that is what I can become. Not forever. Not all the time. But enough. And with no reason that I can communicate.

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