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New Year, New Focus
Posted by quirkymischief
9th Jan 2018

Firstly, thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read and share what I've previously written - some of the topics haven't exactly been easy to write or read and I know from some of the messages that it touched a few memories. So, picking up on various things I decided to see 2018 as a new start, a new beginning to let the demons out and allow myself to heal properly, once and for all and stop beating myself up about things I can't change.

Having lived with depression for a very long time and having had poor relationships based on half truths leaves you with a very distorted view of the world and the people that occupy it. For ages I would question people's motives when they were nice to me or showed an interest in me. Had I been too open? Did I have something they wanted? That inability to trust just because is missing from me, it's damaged and truthfully I don't think the damage will ever fully heal. It's like that annoying spot that you know you shouldn't pick at, you know you should just leave it alone to heal in it's own time but the pixie in you just can't help poking at it! And the poking makes it worse, we all know this, we all know the truth about allowing things to heal but equally we all pick at that annoying spot - that's the easiest way to describe my inability to truly trust openly. I'm ok for a little while then the naughty pixie in my head plants doubts, looks for negatives that aren't actually there yet manages quite wonderfully to create a negative out of one single word that the speaker is completely unaware of.

So, back to trying to start again - or at least allow the past to stay in the past. I can't change what happened, do I wish it were different - of course I do, of course I wish those negative things hadn't happened to me, but they did. What I have to do now is focus on the things that are good and the things I can build on to move forward and create some distance from my past experiences. I'll never forget, that would be foolish but I can learn to forgive, and the person that most needs my forgiveness is myself. I need to stop beating myself up over things that others did - it's a reflection of their character not my weakness to stop them. It's a reflection of their inability to handle life, not my inability to help them. It wasn't my role to help them or fix them, they chose to hurt me through their own failings - not mine. And the sooner I really believe that, the sooner I can start gaining some perspective and begin to like myself again.

So, the things that are good:

My friends are amazing; K you have gotten me through some awful days and I love you dearly for that; J you always bang on my door and check on me, might not always say it but I am truly grateful you do. There are others and I don't want to turn this into a Paltrow sobbing Oscar speech but you get the idea.

I enjoy writing - and judging by the responses am not that bad at it so want to try and develop it further.

I have a bonkers creative brain and need to find other outlets for it, am totally rubbish at painting but do enjoy it so should do it more - actually I should do more of anything that makes me smile.

It's not going to be quick or easy, that negative pixie has had it far too good for far too long and has gotten rather comfortable sitting in my ear and dishing the dirt. So I figure I need reinforcements to outnumber him and that comes from the good list. I don't care if the negative pixie says my painting is rubbish, it's the process I enjoy. I would like to see out 2018 whereby the negative pixie gets less attention, he'll always be there and a sense of balance and realism is useful but not the destructive pixie that he's been allowed to be. Will I have dark days, of course I will, everyone does and I'm not unrealistic about that. But the difference between a dark day and ending up in the depression pit of nothingness are very different and I really don't want to enter that nothingness again.

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