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Dealing with me
Posted by Auds
29th Aug 2017

So I must admit that I struggled to come to terms with how bad I was.

I had the thought. 

I am not bad enough to ask for help. So I didn't. I just dealt and dealt badly.

I have lived with it all my life. Rape, anorexia, self harm, the odd hysterical attempt at suicide, voices, night terrors, self loathing, acrophobia. drugs and booze. But I still never asked for help in the way that I did it on my own.

I was given forced help. None of which actually did any help.

Even in the 90s the idea of mental health problems had a looming thought of mental homes. Without the internet or even books, one didn't have that help. And being rural was even worse. If wasn't something people talked about.

I was told. Get over it or suffer with the hands of being in a home and forced EST. So I thought sod that and wandered off on my own path of discovery.

Pretending I was better. And hiding my scars well.

I got better, got worse, gave up, lied, cheated, ignored it. Stayed drunk, got into drugs, cried myself into hysteria and all with the words: 'Yes I am fine, its just PMS'.

So I hid well.

But I am done with hiding.

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