Some say you can, I say please don't
Posted by champagnesupernova
28th Aug 2017

Hello everyone.
I don't know if this is really the right place for this, but I'll just say it all anyway.
Two years ago, my bf cheated on me with his ex. After I found out, I split up from him, but he begged me to take him back. Since I love him, I gave it what I thought was a lot of thought, and took him back. As it turns out, I didn't give it anywhere near enough thought, and to this day I have regrets over that decision. It is what I fully blame for the state I am in today.
Following a long discussion at the time, involving him telling me it wouldn't happen again, and that he would do whatever it took to convince me how much he loves me, I gave him a lot of rules to live by. I had to know where he was, I had to check his phone, etc etc. But it will come as no great surprise that nobody can live under that kind of scrutiny, and I felt awful for inflicting that upon him.

It should also come as no surprise that he did it again, and again I caught him out. However, I'm still with him. Yet another poor decision.

Fast forward two years. I'm a total mess. I used to be a fun loving, outgoing person. Now I'm a complete nervous wreck. Over that time, the almost constant suspicion and worry and doubt and anxiety eat away at me daily, hourly, by the minute. I don't trust him, I don't believe a word he says. The pain of it is a physical, palpable entity. When you live constantly with the terror of something bad happening, of which the only evidence that it isn't happening is the complete lack of any evidence, it never leaves you, and there is no relief. The fear eats you up and turns you into an irrational, emotional mess.

I thought I could learn to trust him again, i thought that because we love each other so much, it would be enough to fix everything. Turns out, it isn't enough at all. In my na´vetÚ, I entered into a life that would create a suspicious anxious doubting wreck of a woman. I've gained so much weight that I don't recognise myself. We fight about the smallest things, all of it stemming from my severe lack of trust. I'm on the verge of implosion. I'm getting help, but I know what is at the forefront of everyone's mind when I confide in someone. Why don't I just leave him? The terror and the worry and the doubt and the anxiety will be dealt with in one marvellous boyfriend-ectomy. I know, but I just can't can't can't do it.

To anyone who might be thinking of taking back anyone who would so severely and badly abuse your trust and love and support and affection and time, I'm asking you to please think long and hard. Would there ever come a moment when you would be able to trust that person completely again? Would that person be able to submit themselves to your unrelenting scrutiny? Would you be able to act in the part of a 'jailer' of sorts?

If I had my time again. I wouldn't do it.

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