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Am i to good at acting?
Posted by whisper28
1st Aug 2017

I am sick of hearing how lucky i am...i no i have friends and people in my life who love and care about me but i dont think that necessarily makes me lucky...i spend a lot of time alone with my own thoughts and feelings of self hate and when your low its hard to feel anything but in the way and useless...i spend my days off trying to kill time and not bother people and i try harder than anything to make sure that the moments im not alone happy and positive and there for people...i think that could be part of the problem because the majority of people in my life think i dont let anything bother me or im the person they come to in a crisis the moment im in the position of needing someone to do that there is nobody there...i feel like the very few people who dont seem to avoid spending any time with me atm dont really want to hear it either as its like soon as say something the reply is 'oh dont think about that now or today just have a good time and enjoy yourself'...erm 'enjoy myself' i am currently seconds away from having a panic attack or worried my false smile and guard may slip and everyone will be in instant awkwardness so sorry lets just carry on pretending everything/one is ok and ill just try 'suck it up and forget it' which btw is all i EVER seem to spend my life doing...i feel like such a let down having to say to people i love and care about that being alive makes me feel sick...it may sound stupid to most but its like walking around with constant nausea that is so real just because you left the comfort of your bed...i feel like im an award winning actress atm with my performance of 'coping with life' but my award is total isolation and the intense feeling that spent past however many years making everyone believe im so 'together' when all i really want is fixing...

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