Posted by llou
16th Jul 2017

I kept the existence of my breakdown a secret for a long time, dodging the inevitable questions became exhausting and lonely. My inability to be open and accept my diagnosis of depression and anxiety pushed me to the limit of myself. At first my mind raced along, terrified to stop and listen to my thoughts; but the harder I fought the closer I came to total destruction. Although years have past I still feel the grief for the person that I lost. I didn't think that you were allowed to grieve for yourself, it felt far too self indulgent.

I didn't get to experience my late twenties, I cut myself off from the world keeping myself in a kind of hibernated state. Slowly my mind feels like it is coming back to me. Not magically; both my family and I have worked really hard to get me to this point. But now I am standing at the door I realise just how much I have missed: music, films, birthdays, family, friends. The realisation that I have to start again almost makes me want to run and hide back under the duvet for another six years, and some days thats exactly what I do. But I take it one day at a time and try to be kind and patient with myself. It may be one step forward and two steps back; but I'm determined to keep making those steps.

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