My experience of living with Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted by lorna-jayne
12th Jun 2017

My experience of living with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Ever since I was little I knew there was something wrong, I would get upset at the tiniest little things that shouldn’t have even bothered me and became elated at the slightest good thing that others just classed as a normal day. I was always seen as a 'spoilt brat’ or I was just sensitive and having a temper tantrum. I was always made to feel like what I was feeling was abnormal and strange, I used to become so frustrated because I couldn’t understand why everyone else never felt the same way I did about certain things. Constantly feeling like I had to try and keep my feelings to myself as I was afraid I was going to be called weird or odd for just having emotions, feeling like I had to have a mask over my genuine personality whilst I was around people, although it’s not like I know what my genuine personality is, it seems to change every 5 minutes.

It took me ages to finally get a diagnosis, I first finally realised that I needed help after I started self harming when I was 13/14. No one had any idea, of course I did everything I could to hide it from everyone. My mum was the first one to find out, I forgot to cover my arms one day and she saw my scars. She was brilliant, she didn’t get angry, she didn’t shout, she just gave me a massive cuddle whilst I cried. It was after this I agreed to go to the doctors, the first one I saw was horrendous, he was your typical old fashioned doctor who clearly didn’t get the whole mental health thing, he told me it was just a phase I would grow out of and that I was just trying to get attention, once again my feelings of being told I was just being dramatic came straight back to the surface. For a few more years I carried on self harming and hiding it from everyone I knew, sometimes I was even trying to hide it from myself.

When I became 16 I realised that I really needed help, if I carried on the way I was I would either end up dead or in hospital so I went back to the doctors. Luckily I saw a new doctor who completely listened to everything I said, reassured me that it was perfectly okay to feel how I did. He referred me for counselling to begin with as he didn’t want to just shove me full of pills to begin with. I had 20 sessions of CBT whilst still seeing my GP every other week for check ups. Whilst CBT slightly helped I was still very unwell, my GP agreed and decided to try me on some medication so prescribed me 60mg Prozac daily. After taking it for a year, gaining 5 stone from it and nearly being put in hospital twice I was switched to sertraline, started off on 50mg but shortly increased it to the maximum of 200mg. Whilst sertraline worked better than prozac it was still really not making a difference, so once again they changed my medication. I won’t go through every medication I have been on otherwise I will never stop typing but I have definitely tried a lot.

When I turned 19 I was referred to the CMHT who then referred me for DBT at Francis Dixon Lodge. It was here I got my diagnosis, going for my first appointment was petrifying but was by far the best decision I had ever made, I am now finally starting to understand why I am the way I am, knowing there are other people who experience the same problems as me and being able to learn new ways to try and deal with my emotions better really has changed my life and I’m still only in the very early stages of my programme with them.

I have always felt really guilty about the hell I have put my family through, having to deal with my mood swings and breakdowns. When I lived at home with my mum I would lash out every single time she would leave the house without me, I would make her feel really shitty and I could never understand why. My mum was always great at handling it, she would just reassure me she loved me and would not ponder to my constant texting, which pissed me off something chronic at the time but helped me in the long run. To this day I still don’t know what I fully did when I became like that, it’s like I would black out, I remember what it was like leading up to it and remember the aftermath but the actual, like, lashing out is completely blank to me and that’s the scariest part for me, I don’t know fully what I am capable of but with doing my DBT I am slowly starting to get this feeling under control.

Now I’ve only put a brief bit of what’s like in this as I’m still very newly diagnosed and am still trying to understand it all myself but I just wanted anyone who reads this and is going through something similar to know that it is okay to feel how you are and that you’re not alone. 

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