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When Something Comes Right
Posted by AliceRitaK
6th May 2017

Last year I saw my much loved daughter get married and I went to New York with her godmother, my best friend from school. It was November but the sun shone and it was so warm in Central Park. It was beautiful. On my return to London the jet lag caused some problems for me with my depression and I struggled to find energy. I had to find work as I had no source of income so I found it hard to drag myself to interviews and shrug off the depression and sell my talents to a possible employer. I thought I was too old. I'll be 60 this year. Scary or what!

So I had probably £50 in my account and thought well I have to go claim something. Me? Claim something? I had been taught by my mother that it wasn't something our family did and I've always had work so not having it was a major stressor for me. I put my hand out to open the door of the CAB to ask for advice on how to fill in that insanely confusing form for Job Seekers Allowance when my mobile rang and it was and agency saying they had work for me, could I go to an interview, which I did. So a temp job is better than no job right? That was in January and I finished the temp job at the end of April.

Again the panic set in, again I thought of that Jobseekers Allowance form and thought Oh God I can't fill that in. Briefly I thought, why the hell do I not have anyone to do it for me? But there's not mileage in that so I am luckily well enough to realise that and I kicked that idea out of my head and repeated a new mantra. Don't think that Rita, you're here because you need to be. Every time that pesky thought popped into my head and self pity hit I said that to myself. God didn't rescue you from the sea to have you die on the beach. You know, that kind of stuff that you hear. I actually quite like that saying. I love the sea, I love water - amniotic fluid maybe synonymous with being safe on the inside.

I took another risk when my temp job finished as I'd got an email about another job so I spoke to the person there and said I see you have a job advertised and I know your current person is leaving this week, do you need someone to infill until the post is filled? So I've been temping there this week. I also went for the job interview this week and Wednesday I was told I got the job. I know it's the right place for me. I sense it. It's a therapy centre for women experiencing domestic abuse. It's a calm and stable place. I am so excited that I got the job. I speak with HR Monday to work out the contract and my starting date but in the meantime I'm temping there anyway.

So I have been reminded once again that doors open in their own sweet time. The last piece of the jigsaw now in place. And it's a pretty good wage so I can support myself and I need a new front door in my house. I'm lucky to have my own house so I can save up for that. I know what I want and it's so lovely to have this place I am making into my home, to be supporting myself once more. I thought I wouldn't be able to do this so I am grateful for this blessing that has come my way.

There are some character defects I need to fix in myself or hand over to my higher power. I suppose the good thing is I've realised they are there and I've moved on a stage in my recovery from depression. I cannot recognise myself in comparison to the woman who wanted to be no more some 10 years or so ago. I've clawed my way out of the depths of that dark world and learnt things again, little by little, so that I can now get up in time, get to work on time, eat good food. I need to work on my social skills which also fell apart and that's quite bruising as it means relating to others but I'm willing to think on how I act and make amends when I need to. I won't be perfect, I won't do it perfectly but I'm getting there. Today the sun is shining.

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