Posted by AliceRitaK
26th Apr 2017

I've always thought of myself as a writer, as being eloquent and imaginative. I studied and did well in languages too so words have been and sometimes still are my earning currency. My passion for this area of my life dwindled as I aged and depression and anxiety tightened their grip on me.

At one stage after super anxious episode where childhood, adolescent, teenage books and films tumbled from my memory store in a deluge of muddled images, jokes and scenes, I thought I had lost the capacity for imagination completely. It scared me, medication muffled the sound of my words and deadened my thinking. Desperate not to lose my gift yet scared to continue on my erratic path towards who knows what, prayed for my condition to be taken from me. I wanted my youth back, my dreams, days when I laughed and enjoyed lazy summers. I wouldn't have chosen this, what I have in a million years. It's not a path I wanted.

A decade on now I've made more sense of what happened, I can see why I was acting as I did, the paranoia of being watched and imprisoned in the dark related to my younger self experiences of sitting bent over in a stairway cupboard- the small one where gas and electric metres lived - and sometimes me. I loathe the smell of gas even now.

I've realised that I write okay, my imagination sometimes works and sometimes has me running in circles, bouncing off its impenetrable wall. I don't like that very much. I expect perfection of myself or at least high achievement, though in truth I rarely get it. Still playing out those tapes. The only thing that eases my heavy thoughts is acceptance - of myself, my history, my failings, my abilities. I have to stop my search for excitement. I am okay, I am myself, I am grown, I don't need to dance to anyone else's tune. It's okay to dance simply because I want to.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today and it eases my distress, on a daily basis. I put down I must be right battles, there may be times ahead when I'll need to fight real battles so I'll not waste my energy on this. I'll just accept this.

And move on

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