Caring for someone with depression
Posted by spousehelp
19th Dec 2016

At 23 years old I met a guy. This guy was a player, many girls on the go and made it perfectly clear I was just another notch on the belt.
To be honest, I couldn't have cared less given I wanted nothing more after being badly hurt by a previous partner.
On the third 'encounter' he told me he had depression. He told me it was serious and struggled a fair bit with it. I didn't really know how to handle it, but enjoyed his company and decided I didn't mind about the depression, so I stayed by his side and we ended up becoming a lot more than just sexual partners.

We became friends, lovers and two months later he asked me to be in a relationship with him. I didn't hesitate and of course accepted and we had the best few months having sex at every instant we could, going out drinking, travelling around Europe and basically having a friendship so strong it felt like this was it, like I could spend the rest of my life with this man and be happy.

There were times we argued, everyone argues, but we never questioned our relationship.
Then everything started to change , 6 months in, I came home to find him sitting in my living room in the complete darkness just staring at the floor. He would not get up, talk to me, not move an inch.
To be honest I freaked out and lost my temper and shouted at him. I know now this is not what to do but at the time was confused and did not understand what was going on.
This happened a lot for the next 4 months. He would spend days in bed, not answer my messages, go and get completely drunk on a regular occasion.
I never thought of leaving , until one day when we talked about my fears of cheating and I pretty much poured my heart out to him. He said he supported me fully and would always make sure my fears were not met. However an hour later he went to meet some friends, got drunk and took a mix of drugs to the point of calling me over and over to tell me how fucked up I was. He got his mates to call me and talk about my feelings. I was mortified and completely gutted.

After this my trust went a bit out of the window. I gave my everything only to be ridiculed.

We had our ups and downs after that. The ups were really good but the downs were really bad.
I miscarried in June 2015 and went through a tough time without much emotional support and was worried if I let my guard down with him , he would then be down himself. So I kept pretending to be okay which was hard.

We then had some great news that my job was going to be relocated to New York. We both decided this is what we wanted to do together and it would change our lives for the best. He changed his job to get some money behind us and support our move. It was the happiest I have ever been until he got the offer to go on night shifts.

I told him I wasn't too keen given that we would not see each other , plus we had just moved in together. I also knew it would mess up sleep pattern and for someone with depression that is very dangerous and draining.
He refused to listen and I had no choice but to bow down to his decision. We didn't see each other for weeks on end because of timings. We had one weekend together alone after 3 months and most of the time when we see each other now we argue because he is tired and moody given the late shifts.
We decided it may help he see a therapist and it made it worse and he decided to give up on it after 3 months.

We don't have much sex, and when we do I don't enjoy it as the passion has gone given he is too tired.

We argue about the excessive drinking and drug taking he does to ' cope' with him being tired. It's not a life I want. I am not an angel myself but taking drugs to cope is not healthy or right. That is something I do not agree with. And drinking is the same issue.
I am at a lose end because I love him but feel like I am drowning in a deep black hole where I see no way out apart from leaving him.

I never realized I was a carer, until now. Because I care so much, I am suffering.
I wish with all my heart that one day he will see what I see. Because there is only so much I can do until I can't do anymore.
I would never blame him for his depression as I know he can't get rid of it, or simply get over it. But what I would like is for him to one day is to help himself. Stop the drugs, booze, excessive work shifts...

Drinking solves nothing. Drugs solve nothing. My mum had an alcohol problem and it killed me to see her drown her problems only to sober up and feel shit all over again. She went to social events to pass out drunk as she had social anxiety. It's a vicious circle of self destruction. I saw my best friend overdose on drugs because she wanted that 'high' over and over again and tried to cope with life by getting high.

Depression is something you can control if you want to. Because the black dog is always going to be there, you just have to know how to make the black dog as irrelevant as possible.

I would prefer to stay and be unhappy than leave and make him worse. If that is not true love then I don't know what is.

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