I am sat in my office at work right now - writing from the heart, exactly how I feel or actually the lack of feelings, I am not quiet sure.
I am married, 28 with 2 beautiful children. My husband and I have good jobs, my children are healthy - good life right? Well it should be ... I feel like I am in a big black empty hole. People comment how lucky I am that everything is 'perfect' but they don't see the MASSIVE act I have to roll out daily.
What has brought this on ... Things from my childhood? Previous experiences with work? Bad relationship? I just don't know - maybe a combination of it all ... I feel like screaming for help, but I don't ever really get any! ill be okay, Its okay everything will work its self out - but its not and it hasn't.
Yoga is my release - I am not very good at it, but I enjoy it and for an hour it engulfs me into a different place where all my energy and focus goes on keeping my self balanced (literally) I have a feeling of confusion .. a feeling of what is actually wrong with me? A why me?
Since yoga I have not self harmed .. Which is positive but daily my thoughts are so dark, I think I wont see the year out - but isn't it positive that I am aware these thoughts are going on? I am not sure. ...
Writing these random things down (first time I have ever said my feelings out aloud and put them on paper) and I feel a weight lifting, my tight chest is easing slowly, and I want to cry so much .. why? - I don't know.
I guess the answer to my blog of what is keeping me going is me ... When I am rock bottom I don't think of my husband, or children (as a awful and selfish as I sound) but I am still flighting this darkness in my head and body .. do I have much fight left? I am not sure .. but for now I have pulled more strength from somewhere.