Support CharitySANE on:



What is keeping me going?
Posted by flc88
24th Nov 2016

I am sat in my office at work right now - writing from the heart, exactly how I feel or actually the lack of feelings, I am not quiet sure.
I am married, 28 with 2 beautiful children. My husband and I have good jobs, my children are healthy - good life right? Well it should be ... I feel like I am in a big black empty hole. People comment how lucky I am that everything is 'perfect' but they don't see the MASSIVE act I have to roll out daily.

What has brought this on ... Things from my childhood? Previous experiences with work? Bad relationship? I just don't know - maybe a combination of it all ... I feel like screaming for help, but I don't ever really get any! ill be okay, Its okay everything will work its self out - but its not and it hasn't.

Yoga is my release - I am not very good at it, but I enjoy it and for an hour it engulfs me into a different place where all my energy and focus goes on keeping my self balanced (literally) I have a feeling of confusion .. a feeling of what is actually wrong with me? A why me?
Since yoga I have not self harmed .. Which is positive but daily my thoughts are so dark, I think I wont see the year out - but isn't it positive that I am aware these thoughts are going on? I am not sure. ...

Writing these random things down (first time I have ever said my feelings out aloud and put them on paper) and I feel a weight lifting, my tight chest is easing slowly, and I want to cry so much .. why? - I don't know.

I guess the answer to my blog of what is keeping me going is me ... When I am rock bottom I don't think of my husband, or children (as a awful and selfish as I sound) but I am still flighting this darkness in my head and body .. do I have much fight left? I am not sure .. but for now I have pulled more strength from somewhere.

Share Email a friend Comments (2)
Recent Posts
Being BPD !
17th Dec 2016
Intimacy in the twilight of depression
11th Dec 2016
Writer blog
10th Dec 2016
From Psychosis to Burlesque
29th Nov 2016
What is keeping me going?
24th Nov 2016