This poem is in the forward poetry book The Life And Times of . it is about my breakdown four
years ago . hope you can relate to this on some level . My name is Amanda Jayne Gilmer and i have schizoaffective disorder When I Lost my Mind
There was a time I lost my mind . My heart was full of disbelief . My partner
died , I did not feel , just a descent into a land of misbelief . Paranoia , hearing voices
monsters beckoning at my door , distorted visions , I lost my grip on reality . Dazed
and confused I turned in on myself , the focus my skewed thoughts .
The paranoia destroyed my trust . Lonely and scared I rejected my family
whom I thought were upto their worst . My mum my saviour never left my side ,
though she did not understand . It felt so real , the delusions took hold . She called
the doctors and to hospital I went . Eventualy discharged with paliperidone my
new drug regime . But I was still plagued by thoughts inside and outside my mind .
Mum took up the cause and told the proffesionals I was still not cured . Paliperidone
was upped to the maximum dose .
The haze cleared from my mind . I no longer felt confused , a fog was lifted
from my mind . My illness went , but I wanted to hide . My behaviour had been so
odd , embarassed I did not want to step out the front door . Taking small steps , I
gradually began to front the outside world . Three years have passed and I am still
well . Still have little ups and downs , but have not lost insight or become seduced
by a world of makebelieve .
My inner reality reflects the real world not a place of unreality , with all
the demons at my door . The story of a part of my life , but thanks to mum and the
mental health team I am truly healed . Enjoying life as it should be again .