Introduction to me
Posted by vesper
7th Oct 2016

Hi I'm Vix. Through out my entire life I have always felt that I am different, and that I didn't belong. I would say that I alays felt different to my friends but the fact is that I have never found making friends easy, and spent much of my childhood on my own, the odd one that no one wanted to play with as they didn't quite get me. Things were a little different at secondary school, but only because a rag tag bunch of people decided that they didn't want me to be lonely anymore and adopted me into their group, promising that I would never slip through the cracks again and be that loner that sits nose in a book in the corner of the playground ever again.
Still I never found it easy to talk to them, make small talk, or join in with social events. If I did I found that mimicking their actions worked, though left me exhausted.
When I hit puberty I started to suffer from mental health problems, I had always been hyperative, but this started swinging from being hyped up one minute, the next in a deep depressive state when the need to hurt myself almost became too much. This carried on through out my twenties, getting worse and worse. And often resulting in me not being able to carry on and taking extreme actions to end things. As I was unable to cope with any strain or stresses, along with other difficulties of being unable to connect with other people. I have some interesting quirks that mean i am unable to read people's expressions and am hugely gullible. As well as unable to cope with loud noises, its like theres too much stimulus.
This year things became too much and I took myself to hospital to talk it through with someone. A request to talk to someone for a hour, became something different. It became a 15 week stay in hospital.

To be quick I ended up being diagnosed with BDP which the Therapist seems to think has developed after trying to cope with High Functioning Aspergers.
I haven't had the confidence to follow up the diagnosis on the Aspergers yet as .... well I am terrified of going to the Doctors to try and discuss it. My mind just won''t accept some things have to be done sometimes. And at present I amstill trying to learn about the BDP diagnosis. So everything is a bit scary right now, at the same time having a diagnosis is good. I had always been diagnosed with depression but knew that didn't feel right, I fnially have a diagnosis that at least feels relavent. But at the moment I am just taking life one step at a time.

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