So come on with the darkness
Posted by lxahm
13th Sep 2016

I remember the first time I was hit with the over whelming sensation that something was different with me compared to my friends and family, I was in high school aged about 13? Through the day everything sort of felt "normal" except my continuous inability to never really reach my potential with in school classes due to my lack of motivation that I some how, even now can not seem to over come no mater what field it is in. The most degrading part is when people you surround with and even call friends put it down to laziness, purely because they don't understand. "Why don't you just do this!" "Why don't you just do that!?" Well would they believe me if I told them I physically couldn't? To have a brain which works in such different ways to everyone else's is never a smooth ride. I wish I could explain it, I wish I could explain how I get so muddled up in my own head that I can't prioritise anything and in moments I sort of feel like I don't have to prioritise anything because everything will sort its self out eventually anyway. That's until suddenly i'm stuck with the complete burden of my own company and the thoughts spin round and round my head so much that I physically feel nauseous. Imagine all the lava in a volcano coming up ready to erupt but instead of erupting it just stays in the volcano and creates an uncomfortable rage with in which wishes it could just unleash. So then you're thinking ho you can unleash this rage, you could smash things but why does anything else deserve to break but your self? After all, you're the one who's like this. It is your fault. Through out the years I have tried different ways of taking the rage out on myself, when I was just in primary school I was alone in my bathroom when I suddenly spiraled into thought's that shouldn't be expected of a child of my age. I didn't know how to make it stop or get this feeling leave my body, my first thought was to stand on a pot that was in the bath with me until it broke and inevitably stuck in to the bottom of my foot. I remember the bath filling with blood and I instantly felt so ashamed, even at that age. So I told my parents that I accidentally stood on it whilst washing my hair, well after having to shout them time and time again and no one coming except my elder brother. You see with my family it wasn't never really a family, the lack of love, trust and support being the main contributing factors. Everyone just sort of did their own thing, my late father was a heavy drug addict and my mum was just after any kind of attention she could get from him meaning less focus on me and my brother. After this incident through out the years I tried different ways to get this feeling out of me, some methods through psychically hurting myself, others by writing, drinking, reading and even through sex, it took me this long to realise that it never works, a short euphoric release is never going to be enough to end it. So what could I do? Even though most days I do contemplate death, the thought of it how ever satisfying is also terrifying. So this blog is now going to be my progress blog, as it stands i've quit my job that wasn't making me happy, i've moved back in with my mum meaning less bills, less stress, more money to get away. It's sort of like a fresh start, right? I've never really wanted to try as much as I have wanted to right now as I can finally see how much it effects everyone else around me. So lets try this.

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