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Moving Onwards in Spite of it All
Posted by AliceRitaK
20th Aug 2016

I wrote here a few days ago when I was in a lot of emotional pain. I'm still here although sometimes I wonder how the hell I manage it. I've had some flashbacks and intrusive thoughts I think they are called when I have been convinced that I don't have the strength to carry on. Those are scary moments and I can feel the pain in my chest and my laboured breathing. I just want it to stop. I have several coping strategies - food, sex and shopping. Although they bring temporary relief if any at all. Probably part of my self punishing illness.

However, I've called a halt to it today. I've been reading my old therapy notes from when I was in the Priory and they have been helpful. I want to hold onto my ex husband like a crying child. In fact writing this I remember a day when my parents were arguing when I was about 8 or 9 and my mum had her case packed and she was at the door saying she was leaving. She had been arguing with my father for days. A regular pattern, silence followed by rows, drama. That day I was distraught and screaming so she turned and said okay I'll stay but only because of you.

That's what I want to do now. To scream and say don't go, come back, let's talk about it, let's work through it. I am in that terrified little girl space. That's not what I say as I know it would be futile and the rejection would be more difficult to take. I know he is very much in love with his girlfriend and I am very much in love with him, despite the fact he is quite frankly a bit of a shit sometimes.

But then my screaming or low exhausted moments are difficult to live with. I feel as if I have been punished for having this illness but I've managed to say instead of judging me could you not have telephoned someone and sought advice and taken me to speak with my psychiatrist? But of course it is beyond him and most people and it's difficult to understand this illness. And I feel ashamed that I have it. Ludicrous.

So this morning despite being in pain and not having slept I consciously put a stop to my toxic thinking and behaviours and got myself out the door. I bought pansies to brighten my garden and planted them. I've found my Activation Diary so I've had a plan for the day. Two things I didn't want to do I have done. And I have paid for my ESTA in preparation for my daughter's wedding in New York. It's her birthday today. My baby is 28 and I can barely believe it. She's not with me she's in Ireland with her partner's family. Maybe that's also why I am struggling, maybe or maybe I'm just struggling generally. I found a congratulations card from my ex husbands work when our girl was born and on it was a note from this girlfriend he has. With quite a few kisses there - pah! I sent it to him with photos and other paperwork he has here. I don't need to see it. The card was for him so he can have some of the painful memories too.

bringing myself back to today, I have a plan for my dinner tonight, I am watching a pretty good film and am about to walk my dog for the second time today. I'm glad I've mustered the energy to get moving. I keep reminding myself this too shall pass. I hate the hurt. I might journal about tonight just to get it out my system. And I'll phone some girlfriends.

I've booked my next round of therapy to help me work through why it is that I am having so much trouble moving on. And I've made choices for me today and been able to say to people who tell me not to get so upset, I choose to do something different, for me it's not right to take the approach you advocate. For me it feels different. That's setting my boundary, an honest and healthy boundary, I believe. So maybe this painful period in my life with have its own lesson for me and maybe I will grow as a result. I'm not that scared child even though I'm hurting.

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