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figthing a fire with a chocolate fireguard
Posted by chrissied65
19th Aug 2016

Where do I start? I always thought I was 'normal' but it seems I'm not, I don't really know how long I've been depressed, all I know is that since the early part of this year depression has crept up on me and stolen my brain. It's enveloped me like an insidious evil cloak, gripping my mind, gripping my body, making 'me' disappear under the weight of it At first nobody noticed, I felt as if I were trying to climb up a pane of glass with fingernails that were just not able to 'get a grip'. I've had all the pep talks that anyone could ever have, I know all the 'sane' answers to my depression, why then do I still feel such despair? It's a lonely place, especially if you can't articulate how your feeling, I'm fortunate, but many will not have the luxury of being able to communicate their feelings.

I think looking back I've always been a slave to this illness, probably genetic? There seems to be a split on this, but I honestly think that genetics play a huge part in this illness, my grandmother was for sure a depressive, as was my mum. For years I struggled as an only child with keeping things 'right' then my mum died in front of me two years ago, the shock of seeing someone die in the kind of circumstances she died in are harrowing.

I thought I was bearing up, thought all was well, thought I'm a big girl, after all she had a reasonably long lifespan, but obviously the well of life had drained me dry, suddenly I wanted to be back to 'the little girl' that I had been, remembering the past rather than celebrating the future. The guilt of letting her die was too much. Now, I feel as if I'm watching 'me' die. Every day I wake up hopeful that the gloom will have lifted but if it is receeding it's taking what seems like an age to do so. I've been prescribed a strong dosage antidepressant but I'm not sure that the effects of the drug are not as tiresome as the illness that has taken control of me. I think sharing with you might help me, I don't know, but share I am, so here goes anything for a little 'peace of mind' xx

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