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I know this is BPD
Posted by imisstheoldme
3rd Aug 2016

So today I have woken up in someone else's bed after a drunken episode that I vaguely remember. I remember talking lots I always do when I'm drunk. I have an alter ego and she comes out when I'm drunk and destroys my life. And yet I cant stop. Alcohol numbs the overwhelmed emotions I feel every day, guilt, shame, lonely, heartbroken, It motivates me and makes me want to do more than clockwatch till bedtime. It makes me feel alive. and yet I am never more dead to myself than when I drink.
I have slept with 5 people this month, absolutely appalling. Yet in those moments I felt needed. One cuddle and its over and I'm back to the shame and the loneliness. I chased my ex for ages when we split up I begged him to stay, begged him to come back, asked him how he could not love me anymore.He was the unstable one when we were together but it was like he left and it broke me into a thousand pieces.
Now I go on dates and am mortified when they don't tx me after. I always tx first and if I get drunk in the time of getting over the fact he just wasn't in to me, I send weird msgs. Sometimes abusive ones.
Im so needy I constantly want company and affection. I get scared and want to hide myself away. I feel like everyone is looking at me like they know what I am. Used, dirty, a mess. I hate myself so much that I have no self respect. I do anything I can think of to give me a high to stop me feeling so in pain. I spend what I don't have on things I don't need, I start decorating, I move my rooms around, I drink, I sleep with strangers and I change my hair colour constantly. Or get it cut off.
I am on antidepressants after a suicide attempt last year, have been waiting on a counsellor I have so many things I need to get out of my system, I guess that's why my alter ego tells all my secrets and bores the life out of everyone. lol.
Do I sound like I have BPD? I really think I do, I don't want to be this way I haven't always been this way. But for the past 3 years this has been me. And I really don't see my life changing any time soon.

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