Where Have I Been All My Life
Posted by
1st Aug 2016

'Fragmented' is a word that comes frequently into my mind. Now, as I write, Rachmaninov's 2nd Piano Concerto plays the beautiful Adagio, it is 11.15pm and I feel relatively peaceful. I know it will not last. Just as the music will end, so will the peace.

I sometimes see my mind as a giant jigsaw, with all the pieces floating around me, sometimes slowly - often fast. Very fast. One moment it's a piece with a picture about my youth - the next second it's a totally different piece, jumping years - rapidly followed by yet another one of another time, another occasion and so it goes on. No time to focus, to absorb, to think.

All these pieces weigh SO much. My mind feels as if it really Will explode. The chaos reigns supreme. I pretend I am alright. OK. Well, at least ok. Rarely OK. Such a good Actor, when I have some energy.

For years I have wanted to write. A book. My story. Maybe even a play. I write a paragraph and then nothing for months, sometimes years. It's all been said by others and better. I will be ridiculed instead of revered.

Now I have started. But will I finish? It's up to me.

It's always up to me.

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