My Life With Anxiety
Posted by samraesjourney
5th Jul 2016

Anxiety is part of my life. I feel anxious at some point every single day, I am just able to control it better on some days over others. I try my best to focus on the positives of my day, I forget about the past, I donít think about the future and I just focus on right now. I like to keep myself busy as I get agitated very easily. When I have my mind focused on something else then it is not focused on whatever is making me anxious. To distract my mind I am most likely to do something creative like adding to my scrapbook, drawing up some tattoo designs, digital designs for clothing, adding photos to my bed room wall or even writing. Depending on how bad my anxiety is, distracting myself does not always work entirely, but it can still make it better on some level. For a while I refused to believe anything was wrong with my mental health, it was not until I accepted that I have anxiety and depression, that I could work on my road to recovery and learn what I needed to do to help myself.

I donít really remember when I first began to feel anxious, because I avoided the issue for so long, I donít even know what caused my anxiety. All I remember at first is that I constantly felt sad, I never realised I had anxiety I thought it was just depression and even then I didnít realise how serious my depression was going to become. I started getting days in work where I started to feel nervous for no reason, a customer or colleague would maybe snap at me for example and I would shut down, I would go quiet, start shaking a wee bit and time would go by slowly. People would ask me whatís wrong and I simply did not have an answer better than ďIím fine.Ē Obviously at this age my anxiety is worse than it has ever been, from a young age I just thought I was shy. I donít like answering the house phone as there is no caller ID, I hate talking to people I donít know over the phone, I am shy when I meet new people it is like my mind goes blank and I can not speak and interviews, appointments and exams make me feel overly tense, nervous and full of fear. In my mid teen years I had a fear of leaving the house, I did not want to socialize and I was scared to see my neighbours in case they tried to talk to me. When I turned 18 I did not drink or go out, as my boyfriend at the time was controlling and didnít want me to, but last year when I was 19 I went out twice a week and drank until I blacked out. It became such a normal routine for me until the alcohol was making me do some crazy stuff that I always regretted. So I only now have the occasional social drink. When I was younger I did not care about what I looked like, what I wore and I did not wear make up. I actually felt embarrassed to wear make up around my family or too school. I was a tomboy until about 14, I only wore black combats or jeans to school, I wore trainers all the time and I would change into sport wear as soon as I got home, I had short hair and like I said I never wore makeup. I went from a tomboy who did not care about looks to someone that is in love with hair and make up, and cant leave the house without make up on. That came from fear and bullying but I turned it into a strength. I didnít put makeup on to make others happy, I did t for myself and I found I was quite talented with it. A lot of people said a lot of harsh things to me in school, but it never turned me into a bad person, I always stayed kind.

In day to day life I constantly wish that people understood mental health disorders and I believe people need educated in mental health so they donít believe in the stigma. I feel like people who havenít experienced anxiety disorder really do not understand what a sufferer is actually going through. I feel like I always need to constantly explain myself and constantly say sorry. I start explaining my low self esteem, lack of confidence, how I feel anxious, scared, nervous all of the time, that I tend to feel paranoid and I can not sleep. Many people just look at me like I am being silly, making up excuses or looking for attention, some claim that everyone feels like that and that I am being week. It I almost as if no one understands the severity of anxiety. Its exhausting.

Panic attacks come and go, I can go weeks without having one to going through days where they keep on coming. Some times I donít really know what actually triggers them. Most of the time my panic attacks come from arguments, if Iíve been left alone and ignored. They happen when I feel lonely and as if I have no one. When I have a panic attack, I feel like I am dying. My heart races, I start breathing fast, I get a pain in my head, I get sweaty, I start shaking and I cry uncontrollably. I sit there begging and wishing for someone to come help me, hold me and tell me that everything is gong to be okay. I need to work on controlling my panic attacks, breathing techniques do not seem to work for me when it comes to panic attacks, I just keep in mind that it wont last forever.

Honestly, anxiety stops your life. It sets you back, you donít achiever your goals when you should have and you forget about your dreams. It is exhausting, its scary and its a nightmare to deal with. But with the right help and support, it does get better. Yes, I suffer from anxiety and I still get those bad days but I am still here living my life, doing my best to focus on the positive opportunities life can bring. Through my weaknesses I will find my strengths, there is no time limits. Right now I am going to sit back, relax and do the best that I can.

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