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Same Place New Solutions
Posted by AliceRitaK
7th Jun 2016

So I'm moving in a couple of weeks time and heading from Surrey to the Cheshire countryside. My life changed when I got divorced and I have spent the last 4 years struggling to make headway towards financial stability. Some months ago I looked reality in the face and gave up the struggle. I thought to myself, look at what's happening here Rita, really look at it. Reality is the job isn't right for me anymore, I'm unhappy and I cannot afford to live where I am living.

So I left the job by mutual agreement. After all if it's not right for me then I'm not right for them either. A two way street. Super stress number one lifted. And life being what it is the impasse I had been fighting with the sale of my flat melted away too, in its own sweet time. And I knew peace for a while.

I think I pretty much have a moving date set. Just a couple of things to finalise. Then I'm off. And being the person I am I can see the excitement in it but also the sadness at leaving an area of London that I have called home since forever and a day. And I'm sad about it. Resentful that my ex gets to stay with his new partner and live the life I can no longer afford to live. His career flourishes while mine is non existent. My children were my career. And they were and continue to be a blessing in my life. I need to let my ex go too. I'd have loved things to have worked out but reality is they haven't and he has his own path in life as much as I have mine.

I need to acknowledge that and I am trying not to wallow in the negativity and unfairness of the situation I find myself in. Truth is I am so angry with him for not keeping his side of the bargain and myself for not looking at reality in my marriage before it slipped out from under me. It hurts. These emotions are just emotions and trying to kick against them is counter productive so I am trying very hard to set myself a time limit for rumination today.

I had my 3rd round of CBT a few months ago, but at only 4 sessions online this had limited efficacy. It is not a cure. Much as I would love a cure for my disease there isn't one. There is manageability. To manage these emotions that I am finding difficult and which are also eliciting a physical response in me: aching legs, aching chest, shortness of breath, stomach ache and lethargy I have turned to my CBT Behavioural Activation Diary. With this I am planning which tasks I should do on which days to render the move less painful, e.g. phone calls with solicitors, reorganising utilities, booking removals firms. I've done two phone calls today. That's enough. If I get more energy up I might do another this afternoon but there's no pressure on me.

My diary is A3 size so I can pin it to the wall in the kitchen and visually remind myself of what I have chosen to do and when. Because I have spread it out it doesn't look too daunting and I don't feel overwhelmed. The worst part is picking up the phone. That takes me quite a while.

So I'm thinking I need to phone someone to talk my feelings through, someone who understands, not friends who don't understand this stuff and tell me well just do it. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends very much but I know they can only take so much of my I'm feeling low rhetoric. They are happy for me and my move and I struggle to explain that I can still find worries to get depressed about even when things are going well and I get what I want. Does that make sense?

I've been a member of a 12 step fellowship for close to 25 yrs now so I'm using the tools from that too. Handing over to a power greater than myself and trusting that they have a good life plan for me. Learnt childhood patterns tell me I don't deserve anything good. But as I've heard said: "God didn't rescue me from drowning to have me die on the beach". It's not always easy for me to visualise this concept when that crushing weight descends on me. Sometimes I only lift myself off the floor in the afternoon and start my day then.

As I'm writing I can hear a storm starting outside. The air was oppressive this morning when I walked the dog in the park, a bit like my mood so it's a relief to hear the rumble of thunder and the droplets of rain and to feel the cooling breeze. It's needed. In some ways this blog is the coolant that will help me share my experience, strength and hope with any of you who choose to listen and take the edge off the anxiety I have felt today. As I write I can feel my breathing becoming less laboured and the pain in my chest is dissipating.

These are all tools to use to help me overcome my depression too. Truth be told I kick against what I have, don't want it, try to convince myself it's not me, I'm not like that, if I'm like that I've failed. But somewhere inside of me I know that's nonsense. I hope very much that a cure can be found one day but until then I have this. All these support mechanisms and I'm intending to use them. I know that when I do I can carry on with my day and achieve something.

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