I need to share
Posted by
28th Jun 2011

I have decided it is time for me to share who I am, so very bored of making the extra effort to be ordinary. So now I am going to embrace my differentness.

At 37 I have spent the last 23 years of my life under the kosh of anxiety and depression, it started at school and never really went away, I have had good times when I have worked full time and driven, but the self doubt has always been in the background and at times of stress back come the panic attacks followed by the depression. After various forms of talking therapy I felt I had nothing left to say.... for me growing up with a bi-polar mother and a distant father led to other problems and nothing will change that. I feel differently about the past now, I don't forgive and I haven't forgotten neither are right for me, but I have put some distance between me and and that stuff.

I have been on various medications and they mainly work just fine, however the crux is eventually I come off the meds and then it's been a matter of time before I trip up.

So now here I am 37, I cannot be on my own in my home or go out on my own, and getting out anywhere is hard, it's been like this for nearly three years. At the local CMHT I did find supportive people and even made some friends (I know! first time ever, actual friends and actually mine!) and I did learn alot about my physical reactions and lots of useful techniques. The real problem I have is that feeling that I cannot actually do anything, that I am not designed to do anything and that I will die the same as I am now only alot more miserable because I will have wasted my time and been a nuisance to all and sundry.

Ok so that's the back story out of the way - my intention is this - to give myself a sturdy kick up the backside and try to confront this panic and see if I can come through the other side - can I gain the confidence to see through the things I want to do regardless of the panic (that's right I am not even saying to be free of the panic, just to carry on anyway). And I will let you know how I get on, this is not some self indugent look at me I'm trying so hard thing, it's just my way of pressurising myself into taking those first few steps, if I don't come back you'll all know I didn't try and that is worse than falling flat on your face.

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