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Lost Girl
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26th May 2016

So what your dad died? So what if you got drunk and made a show of yourself? So what if you are throwing yourself into work? So what if you know exactly how many days it is since you lost the first man you loved? So what if you aren't sleeping? So what you're depressed!!

Wait a minute, I may have to address this issue and give myself a break! I suspected that I could deal with all of these issues at weekends and they wouldn't be things that would make me leave a job for 3 months, a job that I'm so passionate about!   This has been the hardest thing to have failed at - not knowing how to accept my illness. This time last year, I was on a mental health first aid course at work, combine that with an visit from the black dog many years earlier, and I was convince I knew all the warning signs.

Unfortunately this wasn't the case, at first my GP signed me off work for two weeks, this was followed by the same phrase on everyone's lips - 'take care of yourself'. A week later, I was in A&E being told that I need to be in a mental health unit as I didn't appreciate that things were getting worse. Surprise, surprise, no one agreed with me. I spent the next few weeks, waking up and feeling like going to A&E, opening 'get well' cards and walking the dog, trying avoid other people.

The medication has definitely helped  (against my better judgement)! However that has been nothing compared with my network of support. I have now learned that my mother is occasionally right, and  can make the best hot chocolate at 3am! That my brother would learn to be patient and lie in bed watching reality tv with me. I never thought I would have friends who would be there during my darkest days!

Who knows if I would have had a breakdown if my father didn't die last year. Who knew that months of feeling like I was being misunderstood in this world, would lead to a consultant calling it adjustment disorder. I didn't know what it would take to build myself up again. I didn't know I was  capable of beginning to love the new version of myself; capable of allowing myself the time I needed rather than taking the time I wanted it to take.

Generally I'm OK, nothing special, just a girl learning to cope with a unique experience, as we all have to at some point.

There are plenty of people who I l'd like to thank, but I'm sure that they are aware how awesome they are!

Maybe it's the 'so what's' that end up being the most important questions I could ever ask myself...

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