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Healing.
Posted by bipolarsoulblog
14th May 2016

Yesterday I went for my first ever run. It was the hottest day of year so far, but I'd had a covenant with myself that the day my new shoes arrived would be the day I started. So I did. It was a Friday night, I was child free, so I took my whippet, Django, and we headed off around the quiet back lanes in the hope of not crossing paths with anyone. My first oversight was thinking I'd be able to run up the monumental hill surrounding my house straight off the bat, the second was forgetting my ventolin pump. Despite this, I pushed on with Django trotting joyfully alongside me, looking at me inquisitively every time I slowed to a walk to catch my breath. Needless to say, I didn't make it far and eventually slumped down in a field and let the whippet charge around at full tilt without me to hold him back. A successful run? Probably not. Yet a step in the right direction in healing body and mind? Absolutely. Weeks ago I would never even have contemplated running, but here I sit this morning, legs aching profusely, feeling accomplished and even slightly proud.

I'm currently in a strange place. 90% of the time I'm feeling, dare I say it.. Good? Well, almost good. Better than okay, but maybe not quite good. My mind is nonplussed, unsure of what how to define my current state. Yet I can confidently say I am not depressed, and that is huge. I'm not numb, not merely existing. I'm also not naive to the fact this won't last forever, anyone with Bipolar knows not to become too complacent in thinking a current mood will linger for too long. Hence the 'two opposite poles' term I guess. Which I do find peculiar, as although there is two transient states; mania and depression, there is also the mixed state, the one in which I am currently floating. I know it is a combination of the two poles together, yet it feels like a new pole entirely. Perhaps it should be renamed Tripolar Disorder? Or perhaps I'm just being garrulous, which is perhaps in itself superior to any description I can give of my current mindset.

I am still experiencing the ever-pleasant side effects of the antipsychotics. The strangest one is the jolt of dizziness that hits me if I move too suddenly, or even sometimes just randomly while I walk. The only way to describe it is like a glitch in a game; a Solider of Fortune-like lag. One moment I'll be in one place, then next millisecond I'm a few feet in front. It really is quite bizarre. Insomnia is still my night demon, moderately bright lights are still blinding and by the evening time the restlessness begins to seep in. But all this pales in comparison to being depressed, I can easily accept these few trade offs in the pursuit of happiness. I have even returned to work, which was a big step - this week I have worked afternoons, on Monday I return full-time.

I'm almost good. And it's awesome.

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