what do i do next?
Posted by
27th Jun 2011

i'm 36, i live alone, and i spend most of my time by myself........why?

i was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder in 2008. I always knew something was wrong, i didn't quite fit in, was never one of the lads. Nobody believed me. When i tried to talk about it, i was told ' what could you possibly be unhappy about, your only 9yrs old!!, there's nothing wrong with you, your just lazy' etc (you can imagine). So for years i 'played along', kept it to myself...thought it was all in my head ( the irony of it). When i was at school i was considered a clown, classroom joker, so after hearing this repeatedly i followed and became what i am now, Nothing.

I live in the north east of england (originally from north london) , i'm unemployed, i have no one to talk to. The people i know in the north don't understand at all. I don't own a chainsaw or a hockey mask, but when people find this information, they visibly change. I take my medication by choice( quetiapine). I try to be as 'n'ormal' as i can but it's not easy. I don't want anything from anybody, i don't want money DVD/HD/Blue Ray etc. I just want somene to talk to, someone who has a common frame of reference. Someone who gets it.

As i write this...i'm thinking.....what will i do this evening...hmmmm, well as i'm unemployed i have no money. My electric ran out this morning, no more until next week (yippee), i have no food in the cupboards, i can't go anywhere. I don't drink ( hate the stuff, + i'm an unhappy drunk) everyone i know drinks...alcohol turns people into horrible uncontrolled maniacs. I just want to SCREAM.....but no one's listening. I like Sci Fi, Radio comedy, playing the Guitar ( 25yrs) is that so wrong?? you don't have to do anything, i don't want charity or pity, just someone to talk to.

Thoughts are getting in the way of 'life'. Nearly to old for a family/kids. Family won't respond to texts/calls/emails. Wondering if it's all worth it.........

There must be someone out there

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