Panic attack.
Posted by blues1984
27th Apr 2016

I kept forgetting what I was thinking about. I felt the onset of something which was moving me slowly further along the stages of toxic poisoning. I remember an old pillar who declared these things. I couldn’t think. I tried to activate my thoughts but couldn’t so I became confused. In the crossroads of confusion I wanted to lead my wreckage along a path by going to the beginning but I couldn’t. The confusion of forgetting my thoughts had me stuck in the moment. Because I couldn’t think I had to live the moment through feeling. However my feelings were bad in the moment so what could I do? A split second of consciousness made me pray but that made me fear and then I forgot what I was praying for. Between my not thinking and my bad feelings, thankfully I experienced as I went on waves of my normality, which helped me on. Thankfully meant strength was here. I dribbled slowly in a frenzy waiting for each wave to come and then waiting for the next. As each wave came I breathed life into the time after to help me to get through. In the time after between each wave the waiting had to be replaced by seconds spent in physical movement. In the form of repeating repetition. This was to remind me that time was passing and my state would change. The time after intensified and my state or path grew worse when a wave didn’t come. Repetition increased and shadows of thought which I could not demonstrate in visualization bounced around in a frenzy increasing my heart beat. Sense of my body was distorted along with co-ordination and movement without repetition. Bright light increased awareness of this state and made me move to darkness. Darkness made me feel that my state would go unnoticed. Even so the worse intensities of my state were endured better with repetition in bright light until lack of darkness made me move. In bright light I could see my hands moving and see my feet which helped me feel I could watch time. If I remained still I would want to be somewhere else but if I moved too much my confinement would become more convincing. So I moved with slow intense accuracy which was continual. Waves would stop coming altogether and blood would rush or throb but then a series of waves would follow each closer together. This would ease me nearer to the time when I could see from my eyes and realize an object outside my head. Maybe it was now clearing for as my face became less numb, I felt a heavy weight very slowly sliding from one side to the other allowing stale darkening entrapment to be released from the mouth of my soul. An animal inside was howling in this darkness and yet millimetre by millimetre the weight slid further across the opening.

I have to use the toilet brush my teeth and have a cigarette or two. That was now and this is now. Maybe not! I’m addicted. Looking in the mirror I see the result of my earlier or last state and I see preparation for something from the next. I don’t know what time and I try to determine my condition before I follow my state or path, but this doesn’t always affect it either way. Repetition is the boat that took it across the river and repetition is the bridge that holds up and thanks the clear blue sky and mountain.

Until next time…

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