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Keep Walking
Posted by dirkgently1066
17th Mar 2016

This week brought a test of my mental resolve and drew out into the open just how far I still have to go on the road to recovery.

For some time, I have been contemplating what the future might hold. I am quickly bored and become restless at work, feeling as if I have more to offer and that I am underselling myself. Juxtaposed with this is an underlying unease, a sense that my anxiety levels could not handle increased responsibility. It is a continual internal battle.

This week granted me an opportunity to do something new. I could throw off the shackles and delve into something different and challenging, test myself and prove myself.

Two days in and I asked to go back.

Immediately the thoughts came. I was weak. I was a failure. I was letting everyone down. I should be better than this. I used to be better than this. Why arenít I better than this?

And yet at the same time came conflicting thoughts. I was not weak. In fact, I was brave for speaking out, brave to admit weakness and brave to ask for help.

Why did I find it so hard? Itís over two years since therapy, arenít I all better now?

The truth is that I will never be better. Anxiety is a fundamental part of my character, symptoms that I have to manage every day. With time, I hope to be ready to step up and move on with an opportunity that is right for me.

But right now, my mental health is more important than my career. Duty does not override all, I need to be kind to myself.

There is plenty of time to learn how to run again. For now, Iíll just keep walking.

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